Jen and I have been going out Black Friday shopping in the middle of the night together for a few years in a row now. Sure it's a great opportunity to score some great deals on electronics or handbags and bang out a good deal of your Christmas gift buying list, but the night promises to be so much more then just that. To me, some of the greatest gifts are given outside the stores on the sidewalk while waiting to rush in with the crowd. Other times, treasure is found inside in line at the register. There is a nugget of goodness at nearly every turn and we love every minute of it.
I've mentioned Jen in some of my past blogs many times. She is a very important person to me to say the least. I wrote in a text to her this morning that she was my soulmate and I honestly believe that with all that am. We are so in sync with one another that with just a quick glance over the shoulder, I know exactly what she is thinking. We are like Steve Erwin on safari and the wild life was out in force last night for sure! I've known Jen over half my life and still think how scary it is that we found each other. Two twisted bitches hurling shit like monkeys in a zoo everywhere we go.
We started the night by meeting in the parking lot of Kohl's department store just before 11pm. The lot was relatively quiet with a few handfuls of cars and no line at the door yet. We decided given the circumstances, we could afford a Dunkin Donuts run to grab Jen a Mountain Dew to fuel up. We zipped to D&D in Jen's swift ride, I poured her Dew in her large cup for her as is customary and we headed back. The lot had more cars in it now and a small line had formed but we decided to wait it out since midnight was when the doors would open and it was cold out. We sat in the car and I tweeted, we chatted, people walked by and we teased the unsuspecting strangers and we watched the line grow. At some point, she asked who I was texting and when I told her I was tweeting not really texting she responded with a dry, "that's wild" which I found amusing and we used that phrase as a tag line all night long. We noticed the two older chicks in the car near us had fogged up windows and surmised they were making out for warmth and steamed it up. We held fake conversations for the unattractive boy and his way -out -of -his -league girlfriend who walked by and decided he was telling her to hurry up because he really wanted to buy her nice panties and she could model them when they got home so they needed to rush to get a good spot in line. All very immature for two women in their thirty's, I know. It's just what we do.
As the line grew Jen took notice and said we better get in there before we are standing under the Dollar General sign about six stores down the line from the door of Kohl's. We got in line and quickly a large group of young kids piled in behind us. Jen and I talked, I tweeted, they spoke about things like fighting and "cutting" people (and i dont mean in line) very loudly like they were very "street" and we should be impressed or intimidated. We shot each other looks when one of them would say something particularly crazy and both periodically checked our purses because for some reason the gang member wanna be's kept touching our bags behind us a lot and it was weird and made our snobby skin crawl and we were paranoid.
The doors opened, the crowd bum rushed the store and the race was on. Jen had scouted a few days before and knew where the items on her list were located already so we were in and out of there in no time. We did see "panty boy" and his clearly low self esteem ridden girlfriend while we were in line and Jen gestured for me to take inventory to see if we predicted correctly what they were after. Not a thong nor sensible cotton brief in his pile. I predicted wrong. Surprise!
After that we went to Walmart here Jen thought she could pick up a few bargains for her 4 year old niece. On the way inside I decided to grace Jen with a world class fart while making eye contact and pretending to be interested in the story about Thanksgiving family foolishness to see what reaction I would get. She didnt skip a beat and simply paused her story telling long enough to say "Really?! Are you kidding me with that, Kim?" coupled with a disaproving look. She knows just how to handle me, God bless her. There weren't many people, stuff was disorganized and employees were everywhere doing nothing so that was a bust and we left.
On to Toys R Us next to see about something for her niece and maybe find something for her son. We parked and got in and found a little something to start her niece gift pile and followed the blue tape arrows on the floor that zig zagged like a maze through aisles and around shelves and formed the marathon route to the registers. We got in line like cattle and continued our banter and people watching. We kept getting a wiff of fart and occasional horrid, pungent body oder and tried to locate the source of each individual stench. It was like a game. We got out and returned to the car and Jen, the always concerned friend asked me politely if I wanted a soda or a snack or for her to drive me out into the woods and leave me for dead. She delivered the line perfectly and I didn't expect it but once I realized what she had said and why we both laughed like crazy. I think it was around 1:30am at this juncture and delirium was beginning to set in. I know the bulk of this is only funny to us anyway and it's a lot of "you had to be there" kind of stuff but it was one laugh after another or us.
Now we decided to see what Target had to offer. They always have lots of DVD's for my collection so I grabbed a handfull and we began searching for the end of the line. Luckily, part way through, we ran into my step-mom and her sister and they graciously offered to take my DVD's to the end of the line with them so we could avoid the 2 hours total they spent in line and we moved on to the mall.
We went to Victoria's Secret and took advantage of the buy one get one half off on bras deal and we got a complimentary tote bag with lotion and body spray samples as well as a tiny tube of something called "face primer" which I have no idea what the purpose is because I am not a beauty product person at all!! Satisfied with our over the shoulder boulder holders, we moseyed down to Old Navy and scored Jen some cozy little around -the -house type shirts.
After all that we were waiting forJcPenny to open to grab a few discounted to the point of fairly priced toys for Jen's little boy so we went to the food court to kill a little time. The deli was the only thing open serving food at 3am so we ordered a grilled cheese and mozzarella sticks for a snack and sat down. This proved to be the best spot to witness the animals that were out that night so we just observed the wild life in its natural habitat. One well endowed in the darrier department woman walked by us on her way to the restroom and stunned us with her sewing skills. She had an awe inspiring patch of denim about 10 inches square that was a very impressive 8 or 10 shades lighter then the rest of her jeans planted smack dab in the center of her billboard sized ass. Subtle.
Then while eating and talking Jen pulled a signature "slip something in off the topic of conversation as if it belongs" and as she took a bite of her grilled cheese informed me that the table of ladies behind me had just gotten up and "one of those ladies just picked her wedge and I'm watching" was the "slip in" of the moment that time. Some people are less classy then we are so I don't feel so bad.
By this time, Penny's was open so we ran in and got the baby 2 toys, paid and proceeded to try to weave our way out. That's when perhaps our favorite moment occurred. We were ducking and diving like a football player running for a touchdown, me right on Jen's heals when it slapped us in the face. A chunky African American girl with her pants halfway down her ass was standing off to the side a little, her butt crack very exposed and we spotted it at the same time. Jen looked over her shoulder and we made bulging eye contact and instantly lost our shit. The girl must have noticed that people were cracking up at her crack and as we sped away from the scene of that accident, heard her say something like, "oh dammit! That must be why people have been laughing!" as she hiked up her drawers. Jen turned to me and said, "I just saw my first black butt crack" and I laughed so hard I almost bellowed and had to take a moment to not fall on the floor. On the way to the door an employee handing out little red boxes stopped Jen and asked if she got her snow globe to which she threw out her hand and said "NO!" very excitedly. She stopped so I was in front of the special gift giver girl and I almost ran into her as she gave a look that said "take that from her, Idiot!", so I did. I held the little box inspecting it in my hand and asked Jen what the hell it was. She told me she didn't know but it was free. I was a little floored at that and snapped, "I'll tell you what it is... It's yours, bitch!" Just because it's free doesn't mean I want it!! In fact, usually that is the precise reason I do not in fact want it! She should know this about me by now.
We left the mall and went over to our last stop of the night, the Navy base. The Exchange opened at 4am and had a few things Jen wanted to snatch up. We got there about 10 after and it was pretty packed. People had hard ons for the discounts on Ugg boots, X Box and North Face gear so we joined them. We picked out a few things and Jen was very pleased that she had gotten the last Floor Shark and we headed to check out. We charged for the elevator with our cart full of stuff just as a middle aged man and his overly jubilant wife who was chanting "we are heading for he exit door" while she kicked her left leg up now and then swooped in front of us at the elevator. Jen turned to me and said "we'll just carry our stuff down the escalator" with more than a little fear in her eyes. We scooped up our stuff and took the safer route to the exit, loaded up the car and went back to where my car was, left at Kohl's. It was 5am and we were done for the night now. We hugged, I gathered my things and we went to our respective homes and beds.
She sent a text between 9 and 10 am and we chatted and thanked each other for the company and good times. I told her she was my soulmate and I love her and she responded with "I love you too. I'm glad when I saw my first black butt crack it was with you." Gosh, she sure does have a way with words and know just how to sweet talk me.
I got showered and dressed to run a quick errand and found perhaps the greatest gift I received that night. I walked out to get in my car and saw that someone had puked lots of something pink with what looked like ruffles potato chips in it all over my drunk, under the spoiler and down to the bumper of my car sometime that night. Karma giving me a cosmic kick in the balls for making fun of strangers to remind that payback is indeed a bitch?! Maybe so. I went to the high velocity car wash and cleaned up my present so it's all just a memory with the other great moments of the night. I just have to decide which way to go with renaming Black Friday for next year. Should it be "Black Buttcrack Friday" or "Pink Puke Friday"? I'll figure it out in the year to come but I know this, I can't wait to see what's in store for Jen and I when it gets here!
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