Let's play "The Screwly Wed Game!" We put the "FUN" in dys"FUN"ctional!

I attended a lovely fundraiser dinner last night where they played a little game that tested a husbands knowledge of his wife's favorite color and other little details similar to the popular game show from the 70's, The Newly Wed Game. We all had fun watching these 5 poor suckers sweat when asked what food their wife liked best and the locations they chose to propose. I especially had fun when my father was one of these unfortunate men. Then I was surprised at the knowledge he had about my step mother when I have personally witnessed on many occasions the two of them carrying on two entirely different conversations, to each other mind you, as if they were talking about the same subjects. I guess being that my father works alone all day and my step mom sleeps during the day because she works 3rd shift, they just need to talk even if there isn't anyone on the other line.

Now this kind of game is particularly funny for my family for many reasons and I will detail some of those right now. One of the questions was "Where did you meet?" Now I had to laugh because I know the "who, what, when, why and where's" of this quandary and they are funnier then time allowed for last night. My parents divorced when I was 9 and from that time until my step mother came on the scene we ate in two local restaurants every weekend when visiting dad given his limited culinary skills. It was grilled cheese and tomato soup or grilled cheese and pea soup if we are depending on dad to be chef for the evening. So we went to the Brick Oven on Saturday and Pizza Hut on Sunday, typically. My step mom happened to be a waitress on Sunday nights at Pizza Hut so thus began this fractured fairy tale. They met when she served up a slice of piping hot Pan pizza to my dad, my brother and me but my brother is really responsible for the match- making. She went to the table next to us to clean and wipe it and my brother took notice. He complimented her fine technique and then went on to explain to her that we needed someone to help dad clean because he had to take eggs that stunk up the refrigerator and burry them in his sandbox to dispose of them because dad wasn't much of a housekeeper. This made her chuckle and quite frankly take pity on us. We talked to her every week we went and finally dad asked her to a concert for their first date. So a romance began and we were all along for the wild ride.

By "all" I mean us kids. She had 3. Two daughters, one older then myself and one younger, and a son who was her youngest. My dad had myself and my brother who was 4 years younger then me. A while down the line they found out they had another on the way and we had to form a sort of Brady Bunch. In the summer of 1992 Little Hayley made her way into our brood. They stuffed 5 kids in a small bedroom for a while and we all made it work somehow. That brings me to a few of the other questions. "Where and how did you propose?" and "What color were the brides maids dresses at your wedding?" When Hayley was over a year old, they decided to flee the circus and go to Vegas to marry. Shot gun wedding? I guess not when the gun went off and the smoke cleared over a year ago. So we all went to our other parent's houses and Hayley went to an aunts house while they went and made honest people out of one another without their herd of children. No brides maids dresses or anything. Maybe Elvis was in attendance, I don't know.

This couple isn't the strangest in my family though. My mom has managed to marry and divorce 3 men herself in her pursuit of happiness and marital bliss. She has learned, I think, that it's far better to be happy by herself then miserable with someone else. It's true, too. Her taste isn't great in men, sadly. Most of them ended up unemployed while she worked 2 jobs and they had similar, less then desirable physical characteristics. Some were fat, some hairy and some were missing teeth. A few embodied all 3 of these traits. I would stay single too if thats what I ended up with more then once. Yeesh!

She had quite the model to fashion her marriages after unfortunately. Her father has passed but grandpa was a bit grumpy sometimes, to say the least. Her mother is one those outspoken, loud chicks who is Hell bent on not being pushed around by any man so the two of them made quite a pair. She could never do or say or cook anything right and when he spoke up, she would too but LOUDER! Family meals often ended up with all of sitting quiet after the exchange that took place between them. She would sit at one end of the table and he at the other trapping the rest of in the line of fire. Grandpa would say something like "I can't eat this shit" to which she would lovingly reply "Then don't eat it and die, you Sonovabitch!" Sometimes he would take a bite and mumble just loud enough for her to hear, "Ugh! This shit's cold" with a scowl on his face and without skipping a beat or even looking up she would fireback with "Shut up and eat it" or "Then nuke it, you Bastid" and he would turn and say to one of us "See how this classy bitch talks to me?" I think they were playing a game of "Who will out-live the other" and grandma won... at least I think she won. They both loved their kids and grandkids very much and I'm pretty sure they loved each other, too. They clearly had a little trouble with expressing it to one another.

We have a few more "different" relationships so keep reading. I have an Aunt/Cousin and an Uncle/Cousin too but it's not like it sounds so don't panic. It seems somehow fitting that they live Hope Valley, though. Jerry Springer wasn't called or anything but it's a funny story and here it goes. Where to begin... Ok, so sitting next to me at this dinner was this particular couple and when the "Where did you meet" question came up we all looked at each other and wished it was them up there playing this twisted newly wed. See, my dad's brother married my mom's niece so it's all very innocent. No blood relation but we get a good laugh at it when the opportunity arrises. Had they been asked to participate, her answer would have to go something like this: "I met my husband when my aunt and cousins came to visit our family. They brought with them the former brother-in-law of my aunt to go four-wheeling. We began a long distance relationship and then got married and started a family joining the 2 families again." I guess this makes the whole in-law stereotype null and void for them since we all stayed pretty close even after my parents split and the 2 families always got along for the most part. Pretty convenient when you think about it. Anyway, they are happy and just had a beautiful baby we call my cousin twice removed with 3 steps back... or something like that. The family tree takes a few twists and turns but even in all these circumstances it grows healthy and strong some how.

I guess every family is a little weird and we certainly are no exception. Every one in my family has some humorous little back story and they just keep adding pages to it, lucky for me and my blog. I tease my mom that there are too many crazies around for me to really part of this family and I insist that there was a mix-up at the hospital or I was adopted or something. One of my Uncles only furthered my suspicions when he told me as a young child that my mother purchased me with a coupon at Almac's Grocery Store. She laughs and reminds me of the old adage "the fruit never falls far from the tree" and you know what, she's right! I am just as nuts as the rest of them, maybe more... and I wouldn't want it any other way!

A model I am not!!

Unless... I am possibly doing a hand modeling gig for men's gloves or something. My hands are anything but dainty. I did however walk the runway in my Bridesmaid dress from Jen's wedding in the Bridal Fashion show at MGM at Foxwood's this past weekend. I love fashion and all the glamour that goes along with it but I have to giggle when I think of myself doing something like that. I'm just not the type but I will admit I had a great time with Jen and the others and it was a fun experience.

In order to not look so much like the "I don't give a rat's ass" girl that I am, I went and got spray tanned. I couldn't even do that right. I wore boy-cut underwear and somehow couldn't be bothered to stand up straight so the lines are a bit mottled. I have a strange line on my stomach from hunching over like I belong in a bell tower that looks like I asked them to air brush just one, neat and very defined AB upon my belly. My friends and I got a chuckle over it at the little sleepover we had at Jen's the night before the fashion show. I also painted my toe nails...and half my feet a shade of pink that matched the pink fabric under the breast on the dress. Pretty girly, huh?!

We watched chick flicks and ate junk until we almost burst the night before we walked the runway. Maybe not such a good idea when we were already worried about fitting into the dresses 5 months later without the use of extreme force. We managed to stuff ourselves in and not die from lack of oxygen so no harm, no foul.

I have been lucky enough to spend lots of time with my friends lately. I have an almost weekly movie night with one of my friends where we hit up the Red Box for something entertaining and we hang out. I have been to see Sherlock Holmes and NINE with another one of my pals in the past month as well. I enjoyed Sherlock very much. I almost always enjoy Robert Downey Jr. though ever since Ally Mcbeal met her quirky little match in a character played by him on the show. He just has this way about him but all his characters seem to have that way about them... no matter. I like his quick wit and delivery so I forgive that most roles he plays resemble each other.

NINE though is in a class all its own. A fantastic film from open to close. The lighting and camera angles perfectly make their point. The emotion comes right off the screen. Sophia Loren is wonderful and as full of grace and beauty as ever. The scene with Fergie is a masterpiece. The sand and song come together and form a feast for the eyes and ears. Brilliant.

I love my friends. All of them have wonderful, fun qualities and thankfully all of them are so beautifully different. I have friends that accept and love me with all my OCD and crazy tendencies as well as my outbursts of embarrassing behavior, sometimes quite in public. Thanks to all of you for seeing me for what I am and understanding it's all in fun! I think you guys are why I'm proud to say they broke the mold when they made this model for the first time in my life.

OMG at The O.G!

AS IN OLIVE GARDEN! But that's not where this should begin so be patient, folks! I'm going to start at the beginning because... as Julie Andrews once sang in the classic The Sound of Music, "... That's a very good place to start". And she was right! My day began when I awoke around 7 am and took the dogs out to... to put it politely, "make", as they say. I had an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed and harass my friend /hairdresser at 10 am so I shlumped around for a few hours like the college student I never was. By the way, I LOVE getting waxed! It feels so good that I often wonder if I would enjoy being waxed further but then I remember I am friends with my hairdresser and would like to keep it that way. To ask her to wax more of the fuzz off of me would be detrimental to our friendship. I'll just shave and/or keep it covered like always. The extent of my body hair will stay my little secret. Incidentally, we encountered someone else today with an overabundance of fluff which I will detail later on. Let's just say that when you are at Babies R' Us searching for crib blankets with a cute little Monkey pattern on them for an upcoming baby shower, you do not plan to catch a glimpse of someone bending over exposing more hair then you see on a chimpanzee at the zoo! Yikes!

But I digress...

So waxing went as planned, I headed to Walmart for a few essentials and texted my gal pal, Jennifer because I was jonesing for some shopping and I can always count on her to tell the truth as we well know, no matter how much it may hurt. I both love and hate that about her. Mostly love because if she didn't say it others would think it but talk about it when I left the room. She saves me from this particular form of embarrassment. She had plans to meet another friend of ours in Warwick and invited me to come along. How lovely. Two friends for the price of one!

We had to stop off at the Bridal Shop we got the dresses for her wedding at to drop off pictures from her beautiful day and I got jostled into doing a Bridal runway show along side Jen next weekend at the MGM at Foxwoods. Goody (insert sarcastic intonation here)! Oh well, a reason to wear to the dress again. Those things are pricey for a one day showing! It will be fun none the less because Jen is a kick and fun follows her wherever she may roam.

Now we were headed to meet our other friend at one of our favorite places, Target. We have some friends who are expecting so we were in baby mode and headed right for the onesies and other baby crap. The three of us are all childless and haven't much patience for the little ones in public to be frank. I adore my nieces and nephews but I don't have to haul them around and listen to them scream all day without ceasing. Some kids got pipes, man! They are loud and shrill and touch everything and are always in the dang way. The fact that Jen had to keep ahead of me and the cart rearranging the racks to make room to get through the isles made things tricky but with ankle biters on the loose all around us, it was a dangerous driving environment, really. I could have run over a few and barely noticed if they were small ones! We found a few cute things and moved on to Babies R' Us where the real fun began!

We went in to the place where we shop for overpriced gifts for our friends in an effort to say, "I'm sorry you won't sleep, have any money or be able to even go to the bathroom in peace for at least 18 years to come". As if that's a good trade off. Anyway, we are dodging carts being manipulated by people who look to be the unhappiest folks on earth. Inside these wagons sitting comfortably are the short captains that drool all over and run every aspect of their lives. Seems bass ackwards to me but I'm not a parent so maybe I'm not supposed to get it. We printed up a registry 15 pages long and set out to find these treasures. We came across a beast in the bedding isle, the memory makes me shudder. We rounded the corner and Jen spotted it first but we weren't far behind! The horror on Jen's face said "don't look" but like a car crash or one of those plastic surgery shows you see on the discovery channel, you never listen to the disclaimer read to you before hand and you watch anyway all the while grimacing in horror at the sight before you. There it was. Grown man, hairy butt crack! Not that uncommon, yet painful to look upon. Our other friend tried to warn me with a large claw to my back but it was too late. The damage was done. We fled that scene in a hurry and somehow still had an appetite so we decided a nice late lunch would calm our nerves. We sped on down to Olive Garden or as we nick named it, The O.G. and despite the trauma we suffered when we narrowly escaped a few collisions in the very crowded parking lot, got in and settled down to wait for a table. They said 15 minutes but they lied as they often times do. We were glad they fibbed today because we got to see a celebrity right there in Warwick O.G. Jen was standing holding the buzzer trying to will it to light up and vibrate before we passed out from starvation when all of sudden a large party exiting began filing out. We all looked up just in time to see James Woods leading the herd towards the door. Jen's eyes nearly bulged clean out of her head and she yelled out "OH MY GOD!" Cheri and I were sitting in disbelief beside her as he turned and looked right at me with a smile and said a very polite "Hello". My response was a very cool "Hi" followed with a few nods as if I had known him for years and was in fact planning to meet up with him later on this very night! I have no idea how I pulled that off but my friends looked at me a little sideways and we all simultaneously turned bright red in the face and began giggling like 13 year olds who just saw a star from that Twilight mess I refuse to get mixed up in. We were a little star struck because we just saw and talked to someone that was featured on Family Guy and how cool is that!! We are also fans of his work of course, but come on. Family Guy mentioned James Woods because he is after all a Rhode Islander and it turns out he likes cheap fast fake Italian food from the Olive Garden just like we do! Wicked awesome!

That wasn't all we were shocked by at The O.G today, though! Oh no. We were also very surprised that the cook time on a bowl of ordinary salad is at least 15 minutes and there was a very large chested women with cleavage spilling all over the restaurant attempting to kill whatever was left of our appetites from our hairy ass crack encounter from before. I'm afraid this recession is affecting peoples abilities to afford mirrors in their homes thereby forcing them to go out in public in an unsatisfactory state! Congress should really get on passing some mirror welfare programs and leave our health care system alone because I think less people will get sick if we solve the mirror crisis of 2010. I know I feel queasy way too often from people stuffing themselves into clothes they seemingly took accidentally from the closet of their children and wandering out into the streets putting us all in harms way from lack of funds for mirrors. I vote "YES" to mirrors and clothes that fit! Vote for Kim!

So that was my super fun day with 2 of my friends exploring and observing the wildlife in Warwick, Rhode Island. Look out! It's a jungle out there. The breasts... I mean beasts are on the prowl.

I love the smell of comedy in the morning!

That's just what I woke up to this morning, too. I recently finished the Biographies of Marlee Matlin, and Chelsea Handler's two books and went right out to buy Kathy Griffin's book. I just read the first few chapters of it first thing this Saturday morning and am excited to press on. Ironically, she begins with a sarcastic little note to one of her idols, Oprah and I referenced her book club in a previous blog so that alone brought a twinkle to my eye.

I love these women and admire something similar in the three of them. They are all funny, witty women who can take a joke and deliver one with grace. People I think are way too stuck on the idea that life is a very serious affair and everything is taken to heart. In reality, there is no need for so much care about what the guy next door is wearing when mowing his lawn or who we saw so-and-so with the other night. Why do we care about who someone loves or what they do since it really has no bearing on our lives? I just want to be happy and loved and if someone else can be, then that just gives me hope that someday I may be, also.

Comedy is something I treasure and attempt to invite into my everyday life in one way or another. I am very sarcastic and try to find humor hidden in anything. I realize that it is a business however and that just because someone pokes fun at someone or something doesn't necessarily mean that they detest the subject of the joke. I suppose that helps me to appreciate things that some other people who are less open minded can. How sad for them.

Let's try to loosen up here in 2010 and learn to laugh a lot and love so much more. The idea that we exclude people for petty reasons is a very silly notion. Ultimately we rob ourselves through this practice. Love people for who they are instead of hating them for who they won't be for you. Life should be fun and can be if we open our eyes and hearts to the beauty around us. And for goodness sake... LAUGH! Laughter is the best medicine after all and it burns calories. Something we can all stand do!

Complicated hardly explains it...

I went to see the movie "It's Complicated" last night. That Meryl Streep is a genius! She is wonderful in everything I've seen her in but opposite Alec Baldwin... well, they are quite a team. Steve Martin plays a role in the hysteria also and does not disappoint as is true to his form. Some of the lines in that movie are fantastic and the situation reminds me very much of one of my other favorites, "That Old Feeling" with Bette Midler. Although the relationships don't quite end up in the same way, the comedic value in the two movies combined with the actors who play out the hysterical scenario are very entertaining indeed.

Both movies involve a couple who are divorced and seem to loath the sight of one another and have anger that they bottled up for years since their marriage failed because of infidelity among other things. The pent up anger somehow disappears when stored up desire rears its ugly head and takes over. The couple carries on an affair that seems familiar yet new and exciting and adding to this excitement is the fact that they keep it all a secret but not for long. In both cases the relationship is found out and the silliness that follows is great to watch.

Being a child of divorce and remarriages myself, I can't even imagine something like this happening. My parents don't even seem like they are from the same planet let alone the same household. I suppose that would explain my martian-like personality and for that I thank

them both. Still, the idea is a great one and although both movies play it out differently, they are sure to make you laugh out loud. They show you in different ways that "It's Complicated" if ever "That Old Feeling" comes creeping back.

Honda Accords are NOT 4 wheel drive all terrain vehicles?

It has become increasingly more evident during the few snow storms that we have recently had that I should invest in a large piece of property and a 4 wheeler quick before my car takes a major hit! I love to drive in the snow and play around but I may have overestimated the capabilities and performance of my little silver bullet. The other night I drove home in the dark and went in the back driveway and it looked clear until I got half way down the hill. Then I realized there was a 3 foot flaw in my little plan! There happens to be an excess of wind gusts where we live and it blew all day long shoving snow into a large pile on the right side of the driveway and not allowing me to pass. Silly me thought I could fight nature. Since I couldn't back up the slippery slope I thought why not give it a shot and I pressed onward into the drift. BIG mistake! My car was now up in the air like we were in the bad part of town in the South Pole and punk elves put it up on snow blocks and were going to steal my tires. My roommate and I shoveled and pushed and not an inch was gained since my tires were quite literally unable to obtain traction in thin air. I did get rescued when my uncle came to my aid and pulled my car off it's icy plateau with the greatest of ease with a 4 wheel drive pickup truck. I love snow but it really set me up for a cruel joke that night and I was to cold and sore from shoveling to be laughing!


I'm not typically playing the role of damsel in distress but the snow and my love of slipping around in it puts me in that position from time to time. That same uncle has had to pull out of a few different driveways and I'm afraid one day he won't show up because he thinks I need to learn my lesson and stay inside on snowy days like everyone else in New England. I just can't though. I hate those people. The ones who hear we may get 2 inches and rush into the stores to stock up on supplies as if they just got word Armageddon was heading straight for us. It's certainly not that urgent and we won't be stuck at home for weeks on end over a few flakes so whatever milk and bread you have on hand will get you through the 2 hours it takes to plow our little Winter Wonderland.


So next time the snow flies I will have to try to be on my best behavior. When Mother Nature puts up a barricade I should not try to steam roll over it and if I do pull a Dukes of Hazard stunt I shouldn't be surprised when I am forced to pay the toll. This little Daisy can't help herself when there is mud to fling and mischief to get into so I will more then likely find myself in a heap of cold, white trouble again this season.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...and New Room for my mom!

Holiday vacation? What Vacation? I can't wait to go back to work just so I can slow down my heart rate. My brother flew in from Jacksonville for Christmas break but it wasn't to relax. We had work to do and that work multiplied at every turn. We were originally supposed to replace some of the original plaster and lath mess, put the window I picked up many moons ago in and paint the tiny room at my mom's house. At the end of our whirl-wind week of work days that began at 8am and ended many nights not before 11:30pm, we have taken out ceiling and walls of plaster and lath, rewired outlets and lights, straightened ceilings and walls, put in the window, took out a different window altogether framed it in and covered it over, removed a chimney that only existed on the second floor of the home we found buried in the walls (Very safe, wouldn't you say?), removed a wall separating that tiny room from another tiny room making one less tiny room out of the two, framed in a new large closet, framed in the new doorway for the new space, insulated, hung drywall and secured her railing that used to pull out of the wall at the top of the staircase. Now my mom just left to take my brother to the airport and I feel I can breathe again for the first time in a week!

Things were stressful when we had so much torn down and so little time to make it function again. We had to put it together enough so the furniture and things that lived there could go back to their rightful home at least until we had the time to finish the job completely at a later date. She had shelves and clothes and chairs and all sorts of nicknacks everywhere else in the house to make room for the demolition. My mom was a bit panicked when her home was torn up and my brother and I are banging and cutting pieces of it up and throwing them out the window onto the lawn below. I can't say I blame her, dust everywhere and tools strewn about and materials leaning waiting for their turn to take their place in the new room.

Our Aunt came over some days and assisted in dragging the junk out of our way and our Uncle took a few trips to the dump for us to dispose of the large mound of 1870's home we had laying in the grass and snow outside. Overall it was a great week with my brother and the rest of the family that helped and hung out to entertain us and keep the mood light and I really like working with my brother so it was a good experience. I can't say I'm looking all that forward to the demolition and rebuilding of the other half of the room or the taping and mudding, painting and trimming of the entire space but we will get it done in time. For now it's a much larger spot for mom's crap to go and that is more then we expected Santa to fit down that half a chimney so we feel pretty good about our "Christmas not-such-a-break"!