I did not win the coveted solid mahogany troll doll "2009 Ugliest Sweater" trophy...

I did however win a very spirited snow day game of Scrabble with my mother today so winner, winner chicken dinner! I also learned some new words and their definitions. I learned that when I say "That's my Oreo, don't eat it!" there is a word in there with an entirely different meaning that has nothing whatsoever to do with the fight to save my tasty cookies. The word "OREODONT" is a noun that refers to an extinct sheep-sized mammal so now my blog is not only goofy and entertaining but a learning experience. I also found out that despite my best efforts I could not convince my mother that the word that means "to prevent the success of" is not in fact spelled "f-o-y-y-a-l" even if I was stuck with 2 "Y's" and an "F" all worth 4 points each, very near the end of the game with not many opportunities to unload them on the crowded board. Even with her intellect being greater then I suspected I was not "foiled" and I came out victorious. Now I want my trophy.. or at least an Oreo.

The party proved to be a grand one last night despite the snow storm. We hard core ugly sweater wearing merry makers still managed to go out and brave the storm and come together for what turned out to be a wonderful night with friends, food and board games. Jen and I even made snow angels on their deck in the 8- 10 inches of snow that had fallen by about midnight! Now that spells a good time to me! They had food, drink, music and some of the finest people the tri-state area have to offer so "CHEERS" to all of you and your wonderful spirit! I love you all, old ( I use this term not to define your age! Ha ha!) and new friends!

There were in attendance some of the ugliest garments that the fashion world, sears and a little imagination, battery operated lights and a glue gun could ever come out with as well. Jen had a lively number with bells and ribbons and gross little trees made from little pearls and brass colored beads. A great choice ultimately made when Jen went to gal at the desk at Sears with 2 pretty hideous sweaters and asked straight faced as only she could "Excuse me... which one of these is uglier?" To which the young lady responded "I'm sorry. Uglier?" Jen nodded and the young lady confusedly pointed to one and thats the one Jen put down before her and said "Great! I'll take that one then. Thank you." The woman said "Wait... I said that was the ugly one..." and Jen delighted with her awful purchase said "I know! I'll take it!" It was ugly, too. Something your nanna would wear to dinner and think she looked like LIza Minnelli in all her glitz and glamour. One guy showed up in what I'm sure was a woman's sweater vest with putrid snowmen along the waistline! Truly the opposite of flattering to the midsection being littered with fat, round snowmen! The winning couple had an inspiring unsophisticated coordination happening. The lad was sporting a red sweater purchased at Goodwill that I can only assume was hauled from the attic of some home where a young boy lived and loved his sweater in the 80's but tucked it away where it was forgotten until a family member passed away and forced the rummaging through of old, dust- covered boxes so the home could be cleaned up and sold. Once it was unearthed it was thankfully donated to the thrift store Andy found it in and he and his beautiful wife took this snug treasure and doctored it up a bit to take home the trophy. He had a large, glittery, gold "NOEL" piece attached to is back while she proudly bore the large glittery, silver word "JOY" on her equally outdated top also happened upon while hunting in the rack at Goodwill. Now that's true embodiment of the Holiday spirit right on their bodies. They deserved to win that trophy. I wore a sweater dress in vibrant red that I installed battery powered lights throughout and a tree skirt my sister and I thought made a better cape with some embellishments and a garland covered fake tree perched atop my head. Not the most functional thing I've ever worn but it got me dubbed "Over the top!" and called "Too much!" and everyone embraced the name of Christmas Wizard I gave myself so I suffered for the art of fashion. We laughed, danced, sang and played games late into the night and I would say Jen and Gian threw yet another successful party. I am so lucky to be a part of such a wonderful group of people.

Our area is blanketed with a thick layer of fresh snow so when I venture home from mom's it will only be to hibernate for the remainder of my precious weekend. I will more then likely snuggle up with a good book off the list called " Kimber's Book Club". None of these will be found along side "The Kite Runner" or any other's from "Oprah's Book Club" but what does she know besides how to build a multi-million dollar empire and how to lose weight then gain it rapidly back all right before our eyes. As that is great entertainment and I assure you the books from her list may all be wonderful bits of literature, I prefer to read about the sex-capades and sometimes drunken life of the lovable fresh mouthed comedian and t.v personality/brilliant writer, Chelsea Handler. I recently read about one of my heroines in Hollywood, Marlee Matlin in her wonderful book "I'll Scream Later" as well. Her book was a great one that shows you how down to earth and talented a woman she is despite her struggles with addiction and the early success and fame she earned with her first movie role. She has managed to, according to her, maintain a somewhat normal family life with 4 beautiful kids and a loving supportive husband which is quite a feet amid the hustle and bustle the spot light affords. A beautiful human being whom the out- of- control child stars of today should listen to and learn from to avoid the embarrassment they all keep putting themselves through. She knows how to handle critics and interviews with a great sense of humor and is someone to be admired.

Christmas five days away and snow on the ground, the Season is Greeting us with full force in a traditional way. I very much enjoyed the fun not-so-silent night we had last night at the party and will cherish the memories forever. I am also thankful in way to have been snowed in today because it was with my mom full of laughter and learning new words and their definitions. This is turning out to be a whimsical Christmas Story that is worthy of a mahogany trophy and an entire package of Double Stuff Oreo's! That's right, it's a Wonderful Life!

First we must learn to live with the fact and hopefully some day embrace it...

Then we get a grip... a firm grip on the phone and call our hairdresser and trusted friend and make a quick appointment bright and early Saturday morning and pay to hide this fact as best we can. I'm getting old but shhhhh! Don't tell anyone. As far as I'm concerned the Nile is just a river in Egypt and nothing more.

I was chatting with one of my closest friends... I refuse to say oldest friends even though thats what she is in a manner of speaking. I have known but not always loved this girl for about 16 years or so. We didn't always like each other but once we realized we just didn't understand one another when we were brought together by a mutual friend, we couldn't deny our chemistry. The rest is history. Now I can send her a text that to anyone else would look like a complete pile of gibberish or a jumble of unrelated words and she will respond and finish the sentence. We both will say things in the company of coworkers or other friends and laugh out loud while we get blank stares and will be forced to say, "If Jen were here..." or "If Kim were here..." followed by the phrase "...that would have been hysterical". I can say things to her like "I just went to BJ's and found Clueless and Mean Girls in a pink, sparkly box set and I bought it!" She would then utter these words in ecstasy "Oh my goodness!! That sounds like Heaven!" That is one of the instances that reminds me that her and I are soul mates who belong together for eternity.

We will go to a restaurant and upon getting a waitress who seemingly does not enjoy our company, Jen will lean in as she walks away and say to me with the seriousness of a heart attack, "She just doesn't like is because we are too pretty." I nod in agreement as if thats the only logical reason for her bad mood. Her and I send texts to one another with quotes from our favorite movies like Bye Bye Love, First Wives Club and Overboard as well as many others. She will send me randomly during the day something like "Oh you say! Sure!" and I will respond quickly with "It wasn't us, Dad! It must have been Roy!" Whenever I get a text or an email from Jen I am always delighted. She makes me smile whenever I even think about her.

This August I was privileged and honored to be asked to participate in her wedding. The experience was great and I will cherish the memories but not as much as I regret the invention of the camera. I had the best time but completely sober I somehow thought that it was perfectly acceptable to stand on my chair during dinner and command the attention of the room. At this point the logic portion of my brain was still on vacation I guess because I then urged the mass of family and friends to sing along to Neil Diamond's, "Sweet Caroline" with me as if I were conducting a concert and they were my choir. I have no explanation for any of this except that I am maybe just a few bananas short of a bunch. Luckily for me, Jen and her wonderful husband have a great sense of humor. Sadly for me, they had a wonderful photographer who quickly noticed who had no self control and they could get some painful pictures that beg the question "Why am I allowed to be places?"

Jen and her husband are such a loving and hospitable couple who host beautiful picnics and parties in their lovely home for the group of friends and family that surround them. They are very creative and think of fun themes for these gatherings and everyone gets involved and we have a blast. This Christmas they have decided we will celebrate by having an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. This of course delighted me to hear this news and receive an invitation. My twisted little mind immediately began thinking of what would be the most gaudy, hideously painful frock I could fashion for myself to sport during this party. I enlisted the assistance of my very creative step sister and we set out to produce this foul thing we now call the Christmas Wizard Costume. It is truly a masterpiece of huge, epic proportions with lights and singing characters and moving parts that include battery packs I must tuck into my pockets and carry around with me. I know this will be awkward and cumbersome but totally worth the aggravation. My step sister and I are really quite proud of ourselves and I hope it gets a worthy reaction tomorrow night.

So in the next few days you will surely be hearing about the wonderful shenanigans that will most certainly play out during this Holiday party, so come back for a follow-up to this blog. It's sure to be a great time and in turn inspire some witty, comical prose. Maybe all my foolishness is all in an effort to keep wading in the waters of the deep, deep Nile... but let's not get carried away with admitting and embracing facts. The grey hair is more then I care to handle at any given time and quite frankly I'm spent from this recent dilemma and will need to go to bed early for weeks to come just to recover.

I'm not just a plain Hag now... I'm becoming an Old Grey Hag!!

YIKES! This fact is very frightening to me for some reason. Maybe in part because I act like a prepubescent 12 year old school girl so much of the time so it's unsettling that my hair would be the only part of me to act my age. I trot around town in jeans and a hat of random styles and think nothing at all about running into the grocery store in my moo-cow pj's and my "I have gas" t-shirt as if thats at all acceptable behavior for someone who is my age unless they are the town lush. I have also learned that if I go see a movie with lots of action I am overcome by a very serious case of Tourette's syndrome complete with violent twitches and loud outbursts both of which I have no control over. Now the discussion at the salon yesterday was a somber one when we had to speak of the direction to take to mask this "Oldism" from basically just myself. We talked about highlights as a I am not very good at maintenance and everyday upkeep and thought this to be the most reasonable solution for a woman like myself. I can barely brush my hair and have no clue how to put on any kind of makeup. I'm lucky I can apply chapstick because that could be painful but lipstick is a whole other ball of wax.

I briefly discussed the notion this morning with a friend that if I were going to dye my hair, isn't it said that blondes have more fun? We both decided it was probably not legal for me to go around having any more fun then I already do therefore I'd better stay Legally Brunette to avoid prison. Leave the fun blonde stuff to Reese Witherspoon who obviously has more will power and self control then I do. I can dress up and look a bit like a lady but would rather not and only subject myself to this brutal form of torture on Sunday mornings between the hours of 9:30 and about 1:00 if I can help it at all.

I just really am not that comfortable with idea that a woman has to be frilly. I don't do that sort of thing. I wear boy cut panties, never a thong because I hate wedgies and why would I purposely give myself one. I am comfy in sneakers and jeans and would rather sit and talk shop with the boys then wonder which of the catty women I was laughing with in this moment will be talking smack behind my back in the next. I find that women are far more judgmental toward me then men and limit myself on the amount of two-faced people I willingly allow in my circle.

Childbirth is yet another womanly function that gives me the creeps. At lunch with my cousin today we were discussing how convenient it would be if when you went to give birth to your first child they would ask if you planned on more. If the answer were yes you could be fit with a drawstring. That way we keep ourselves as we were meant to be and eliminate the annoying work aspect by simply loosening the string and letting that child enter the world swinging a cane like Stewie Griffin did it. You would think that with all the modern medicine and plastic surgery out there someone would have marketed this idea years ago. Wait a minute... I am going to call the patent office in the morning! I could be rich with such a brainstorm as this. I can see it now... women everywhere will chant my name and men will shower me with gifts because their wives didn't swear at them and call them names while their newborn sauntered into the world. That probably explains some of the disrespect children show parents when the first thing they hear is mommy verbally abusing daddy. Think about it people.

Girls really haven't got it easy. We get cramps when our "friend" comes to visit. With friends like that who needs enemies? Also, wings are only a good thing when they stay stuck the underside of our undergarments. OUCH! It is painfully obvious to me that females got the crappy end of the stick and have to endure much more then men what with the hot wax, plucking and shaving. I am getting over the initial trauma and shock that I experienced when I took a shower at my new apartment for the first time. I realized that boys have hair that I don't allow to grow on my body and that that hair sheds all over the shower walls and sink when they bathe. I have had only female roommates for the most part for the past 12 or more years and forgot the important life lesson taught to every girl in elementary school that boys do indeed have cooties. I am thinking how very lucky I am to be single, have a hairdresser who is a friend and very talented with the wax and to own a razor and know how to use it. So very, very lucky!

Off the pool float and onto a slab of concrete!

I have recently moved back out of my mother's home after a year long stint. I intended the stay to be temporary but time quickly slipped by as it does and I ended up there for over a year. I packed all my worldly possessions into storage and took just the essentials. The essentials meaning my dogs, most of my clothes and my DVD collection. I packed all my furniture and bought an air mattress that we affectionately called my "pool float" and set up like I was going camping on my mother's bedroom floor. I now rent a room and hauled some things from storage, one being my bed that people tell me closely resembles a queen sized slab of concrete but it still makes me feel more like a human than sleeping on the pool float ever did.

She was ever-so patient and only dropped the "subtle" hint that I wasn't as neat as she would like every once in a while although I'm sure it came to her mind about every hour or so. She helped me with my dogs and made things as easy as she could for me given the tight quarters. Now I miss her little idiosyncrasies and our late night banter and as I sit in silence in my new room I think of her waking up violently in the middle of the night in a full blown hot flash yelling out when I question what she's doing, "It's hot in here, damnit!!" and when I chuckle at her she would follow it with a sharp and poignant, "Well it is!!" I also in some sick way miss her polluting the air with giant farts; that she claims came with no warning mind you even though she would physically lift half her body to let it escape into the atmosphere without any speed bumps to slow it down. Sometimes she truly was not aware that she had done it because she was fast asleep but I don't sleep well at all so in the quiet wee hours of the morning I would be audience for her one-man band. Let me tell you, she has talent in that area that surpasses most.

I am reminded of her almost daily practice, until we got a DVR, of sitting on my computer with her feet on the recliner and her wire rim glasses perched on the tip of her nose like an angry librarian. She was listening to a Rush Limbaugh podcast while Judge Judy was on the one household t.v. on mute. Clearly she had Bogarted any and all forms of electronic entertainment we had. I was forced to watch Judy but to the sound of Rush, I called this fantastic show "Judge Limbaugh" and we laugh about it like friends with a fabulous inside joke but you are all let in it on it now so count yourselves among the lucky.

I have no cable nor internet in the room I rent from a friend about 10 minutes from my mom's so I have been catching up on reading and gotten back to revisiting my DVD collection. It's nice to be on my own again but I miss my mom. I know that it wasn't the ideal situation for either one of us but she helped me and I her and the memories of making my mom laugh until she begged me to stop before she peed her pants will forever be fond ones. Just goes to show you that life is what make of it! It's all in your attitude and for generations the women in my family have had plenty of that to go around!

The truth is often times ugliest when it is something you need to hear...

Now here I am, inspired to write because I have just finished viewing the movie The Ugly Truth. I am fully aware that this is a romantic comedy and make believe but really when you get down to it, it does have a lot of realistic characteristics of human nature in it. Let's face it, many of us are conceited, controlling, shallow and have an unrealistic view of what a relationship should be.

I myself have been told that I was not date-material because of my occupation. I'm not sure if that was just a cop-out or if that was an ego that couldn't handle what I do but either way, I find it sad. On one hand we have someone not man enough to just tell a woman he just simply didn't feel was someone he had enough spark with to begin dating, and on the other, someone not man enough to see that what one does for a living is just that. I'm not sure what is more disappointing of a revelation for me. I have really only let myself go twice in my adult life and the first time I was not as adult as I had hoped because I pushed a great man away in fear and the second time, I didn't really mean to allow the walls to come down but they did and someone I admired let me down.

So here's perhaps more of the ugly truth about me then anyone may care to know..

I am not so naive to think that a relationship is simple. Quite the contrary. I have seen enough people around me conform to someone they are not in an attempt to please someone else and that will always implode. I have no desire to become someone else. I am what I am and for the most part I love it. I have beautiful friends and a fantastic, crazy family, strong faith, love and respect for my God, am hard working and have libertarian political views. I am a Tom-boy with a splash of girly thrown in there. I am super sarcastic with a twisted sense of humor. Independence is key for me because I have seen many people I love become trapped because they didn't have enough confidence in their own ability to take care of themselves to walk away from something they didn't really want. By the same token, I hope to trust someone enough someday to be able to depend on them to support me emotionally and in any other way necessary.

I try hard to not dwell on the fact that someone does not return feelings for me. I know I can't force someone to like me and I don't ever want to be accused of making something out of nothing with someone else. I am of the mind that if the butterflies aren't there, I won't waste my time. I hear people say things like "see if he grows on you" and "give it a few a more dates" and I find that absurd. When it's good and right it will happen and be comfortable, not forced or awkward. I would rather be happy alone then unhappy with someone else.

I want passion and heat but that can't be all we have in common. I want someone who is bold enough to say when they think I am wrong but big enough to admit it when they are as well. I think for the most part women are mean spirited and take advantage of who ever they can and that men are manipulative and know what to say and when say it. If we could just grow up and get past these practices, the human race will be happier in their honesty.

If I could dole out advice to other singletons like myself based on all I've seen it would be this; to the men searching for miss right, complaining to everyone about the hours it takes your trophy to get ready to go somewhere isn't fooling anyone. It has been my experience that when I throw my hair under a hat and throw on jeans and Nikes, that is just not enough for some guys. The illusion that a woman smells great and looks great at all times overshadows the fact that wearing pantyhose is uncomfortable and although high heals do wonders for my legs and bottom, they are not nearly as gratifying as sneakers. The truth is, beauty fades and figures sag and bloat so as trite as it sounds, build a foundation on more then looks. Talking and laughing with one another is far more important in the years to come then what she looked like when you went out. Find a girl who is pretty but doesn't know it.

To my girls; lets not worry so much about the car he drives and maybe focus more on his goals and motivation to achieve them. Try to get along with his family because coming between the one you love and their family will only cause trouble all around. Be yourself and be confident in what you want and need. Don't ever look at someone as a project because no one wants to be controlled and asked to give up things that they enjoy. Find someone you can respect and want to work with to make a relationship a success not someone you want to work to change into someone else.

I learned from the movie that just like in make believe, life can surprise you. When we least expect it, fate steps in and puts someone in your life. I don't like to look for someone nor want to be with someone to buy time until someone better comes along. I don't want to be just someone to be with, I want to be the only one someone wants to be with and I am content to be on my own until such time as the person who I can be happy with and is happy being with me is put in my life. It is important to be happy with oneself before you attempt to try to make someone else happy. Be complete, not in search of someone else to complete you. I hope for someone that will compliment me instead. I try to remember that if something is too ugly to hear it is more then likely true. I can learn from and have growth out of truth. That makes the ugly truth a beautiful thing.

The days are getting shorter and dark comes too soon... and I'm afraid of the dark.

SO WHAT... Yeah it's true. I'm afraid of the dark. Not so much the dark but what lurks in it. Bumps, thuds, creaking floor boards... all of it! I hate it! I'm a huge wimp... I admit it freely and openly. I should own a large, intimidating guard dog but instead I have Mollie and Riley, chihuahuas whose combined body weight is less then just the head of a normal dog! What was I thinking when I made that choice, anyway??

Unless you couldn't have guessed by now with the confession I just made, horror films... not my favorite! I can't watch Friday the 13th, Chucky, Saw and I don't like gore or blood. Not even a little like in Jaws. The whole thing freaks me out. Puts ideas in my tiny little head. I can't watch someone else be tortured physically or psychologically. I'm not wired that way for some reason. Funny that I say that as if it's a bad thing. I am kind of of the mindset that if you are one who enjoys that sort of thing... maybe there's a wire with a short inside you but that's beside the point. In fact, cartoons are great! Yes, Wile E. Coyote is taunted by the Road Runner, run over by trains, smashes into giant rocks while strapped to a rocket he sent away for from ACME but the sounds of terror and blood puddles never make it into the scene somehow! If Looney Tunes were being made now the fun would come to a screeching halt when Wile E. calls his lawyer and sues ACME for selling him something that makes it possible to maim himself while using the product and they will pay up and either go bankrupt or be forced to print some foolish disclaimer about not using the device to hunt down a Road Runner as if any of the rest of us would do such a thing as this. Ludicrous isn't it? It happens everyday in the world we live in, sadly.

Oh well, I digress... my favorite movies are ones filled with slap-stick, laughter, love and sarcasm. When the entire population of a town breaks out in song and somehow knows every step to a dance and perform it flawlessly at just the right moment that makes me want to live in that town and magically possess talent just like all my neighbors. Wow, that would be great! Sexual tension also adds to the fun even though I know full well that the guy will get his gal in the end. Never happens in real life for me but I enjoy it on screen just the same. I guess predictability isn't all bad. I am pretty predictable in many ways myself. Like many of you the routine is what I follow and life becomes a series of mundane days that blend together to form boring weeks that meld and make dreary month after month until we look up and see the calender somehow reads an entire year later. I for one am opposed to this practice and I say we unite and form a front against the "usual" and the "blah". We don't have to live like this, we deserve to chuckle when we think of something our friend said last week when we spontaneously got together for dinner and spirited "bitchfest" just to get a few things off our chests!

So go out for ice cream, a glass of wine or buy some cheese cake and put on your pj's like the Golden Girls. Relax and have fun with a friend, sister, mother or a great movie you haven't watched in a long time. You might just wake up happier the next day and that would be a "good thing" if I may borrow a catch phrase from our crafty hag friend Martha Stewart. That will be the first and only time I borrow anything from her, I promise! Her daughter, Alexis is way more like my personality. Her and I could be friends, heck sisters even. Let's do it, watch a cartoon again or read a Junie B. Jones book like we did in 4th grade and let's get back to sneaking a little bit of frivolous fun into our busy grown- up lives! It will be worth it... if you do one of these things, drop a line and let me know what you did and if it brought back some spring in your step. A little fun never hurt anyone... not even the Coyote! Let's share stories of singing along to Mary Poppins and dancing around the living room like a kid who has no worries... except what may be hiding under our beds waiting to eat my toes after I turn out the lights!!! AHHHHHHH!

What am I doing up at this hour, you ask? Don't give me the third degree! You're not the king of me!

I will tell you why...It's because I am in fact not human. I am a zombie or robot similar to the ones on Stepford Wives but not nearly as perfect, unfortunately. I am the twisted, potty mouthed step sister of one of those lady-bots. I know how to bring home the bacon and fry it up but with far more pizazz and much less class than any of those bimbos! I have been described by my boss as having, and I quote, "Less class than a burned down school house!" True? Maybe so, but I own it and I have a blast! I don't go around judging, myself. I feel that sort of thing is better left to the expert,"The Big Guy in the sky", but some don't have that same outlook I guess.
I am currently in the process of a midnight- bake sale donation -preparation- extravaganza! Not nearly the turn out or as historically notable as Woodstock but the name I gave it has a nice ring to it, dontcha think? I was asked to make something for my sister to sell at her church bake sale so being the great sister that I am... "I'm right on top of that, Rose", a quote from Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitters Dead. Just so happens that in an effort to be the great daughter and the great niece and the great employee at Del's lemonade that I know I should be, now is when that task fits into the schedule. I love to say that word "schedule" in a British upper crusty voice and I just heard myself do just that in my head as I typed the word. Just thought I would share that with y'all! That's me, I'm a sharer and a giver. I can't help it. I really am quite the hostess inviting you right into my head that way.
I began my day by going to the flee market where I man the snack shack for Del's some weekends only to discover I would be the only one there. I quickly left that sad waste of my time ghost town and went to Walmart. Now I spelled it correctly as you will notice but again I open the door to my head for you and share the little tid-bit that I refer to that place as Wallmaaats; thick with Rhode Island accent although I'm told I don't really posses that lovely little gift of an alphabet void of the letter "R". I spent what seemed like an eternity wandering around like Alice in Wonderland searching for items that about 2 months ago I knew right where they lived but have since been relocated in a nonsensical manner and strewn here,there and everywhere for what I hear-tell is to make room for some Swine Flu foolishness. Then after that hour and a half debacle, I headed to my old friend Home Depot where they leave well- enough alone so creatures of habit such as myself don't snap, thank goodness! I then headed over to my parent's house and gave my grandpa a big huge hug because that's what you do when you are blessed with someone that fantastic in your life. My dad, step-mom and sister and I then put away some flooring into storage and stacked some firewood together. I must say, my dad and I have a far better understanding of one another when physical labor is being performed. I like to work beside him because we can talk and enjoy each other in that arena. Can't explain it, just know it to be fact. I then scurried over to my Uncles house. Again, not Uncle X. While this uncle is quite a character as well, he is not the one I would like to write a book with either. I am surrounded by uncles so that may tell you why I turned out to be such a Tomboy. He had a job for me to do involving two giant mirrors that needed mounting upon his bathroom walls. I obliged. In the words of Larry the Cable Guy, "Git R Done!" That is the abridged version of my day that led me to this midnight bake-off.
So having just told you all this in my near comatose stupor, you may be asking yourself why I am still single when I seem like the whole package. What with my practical love of tools and yard work and the fact that I can't grasp the concept of spending hard earned money on frivolous baubles such as jewelry and flowers combined with my superior skills in the kitchen I can't say that I wouldn't be asking the same question. All I can say is, I'm just lucky, I guess! *Wink!

Monday night T.V. is good again finally! That hasn't happened since high school!

My friends and I used to have "Ally Mcbeal nights at Kim's" back in high school and I love that show to this day! When I look at Ally I see so much of myself. Her self-conscious awkwardness, quirky personality and her taste in clothes are all me. I'm a lot like her but with a healthy dose of prude and a mound of morals. I love the humor and the way she imagines things that are just so nuts happening to her and those around her is fantastic. Everyone on that show is just a little "different" and I would love to live in a world where it was so obvious that others have faults and insecurities, too. I have purchased the DVD box set and revisit the gang now and then! Anyway, just as we had our tradition on Monday nights back then, I have a new Monday night tradition now.

I am addicted to Dancing With the Stars! I have a standing Monday night date with my Grandma to watch and "oooo" and "ahhhh" over the talented and not-so-talented stars. We like to guess the scores and then complain when Len gives junky dancers higher marks then our favorites. All the attractive men don't hurt either! Eye candy is always a plus. That's right, boys! Girls do it, too! We just refrain from drooling all over and scratching ourselves.

Now after that show comes Castle and that is joy as well! That show has heaps of sarcasm and tons of sexual tension. I enjoy shows that have these qualities very much. I live vicariously through the characters made up in Hollywood. I don't have the confidence to be the bold personality like the ones I admire in those shows and movies. If you know me and are reading this you may disagree but in my head I'm way more insane then I am in real life. I have quite an imagination but hardly ever display what it comes up with. I try to tone myself down to make it legal to go out in public. You can thank me later for having such restraint so you don't get injured as a result of the three ring circus like the one that is being carried out in my head.

So if you have a favorite show or a tradition or anything I would love to hear about it and discuss the subject with you so send me a comment and we can chat. I always like to hear about different fun stuff I haven't happened upon yet. You never know what you could be missing and I would rather not miss a thing if I can help it. If you can be a part of broadening my horizons then that would be a great service you provided and I thank you for that in advance. Tell me about your favorites or complain about garbage television and film, that would be a great time as well. So long for now... see you next time, folks!

Blogging is better then... how great chocolate is for some people.

Blogging is like sweet release. Like when you are in line at the mall desperately trying to pay for your items that are too perfect to set down for fear someone may rob you of them and you just know you couldn't live if that happened, all the while dancing the pee-pee dance because the blue haired old biddy in front of you can't figure out how to swipe her charge card. Finally, it's your turn and you of course finish up in timely manner because you weren't born during the stone age and now you turn tail, make like a bread truck and haul buns down to the food court and slide into a filthy stall and barely get your pants down and hover at a safe enough distance to not catch cooties and then... Ahhhhh! Sweet release! Haven't had that particular experience? Well, good for you but I have and thats what blogging is like for me!

It's like I can say anything. I pretty much do in real life anyway but this eliminates the pesky parts where other people say stuff in the middle of my thoughts as if they are necessary to the conversation or something. Don't get me wrong, I love to chat with friends and family and even the occasional stranger. I did that at a Red Sox game and somehow got on the subject of colonoscopies and we compared notes during the 6th inning... I told you I say anything. The trouble is my brain doesn't always work and focus is hard to come by so this is perfect. I can go and go uninterrupted forever if I wanted. I wish I had more comments because that part is fun! Don't feel bad about writing bad stuff either, I don't care. It's all good to me.

I don't have that focus problem when I'm hunkered down watching a movie, though. I try to catch everything I can. My favorite is catching stuff in the background that goes on behind the character's carrying out the main scene. Sometimes there is treasure to be found in the background. Mistakes are fun as well. There are a few in Pretty Woman my step sister pointed out when I was about 10 and that kinda started that for me. Any one who watches a movie with me thinks I must have seen it about 100 times and for some that’s the case. They just don't understand what movies are to me so it blows their mind if I can quote certain scenes after having seen it only once before. That’s what I do. I pay very close attention and when I watch them the next time I attempt to realize something I didn't catch the first time around... or 30th time... whatever the case may be.

I have a collection of DVD's about 300 strong and probably my CD's number about the same so now you know why my focus is weak. My memory is all clogged up with lyrics and quotes from various T.V. shows, movies and songs. I luckily know a few others who don't look at me sideways when I spout a random quote and just laugh out loud because something someone just said at work reminded of dialogue between characters in a movie. Sometimes I run across people who will even recite the costars next lines! Oh what a wonderful thing that is! I try to keep that in check but can't resist sometimes. There are quite a few quotes floating around in there and they get loose almost without permission sometimes.

I have been told I'm pretty quick witted and not too bad with the comebacks. When I meet someone equally quick, just stand back and watch the fireworks. My brother and I have a gift in that way. We play off one another quite often and that is a very fun game for me.

I enjoy this back and forth banter very much and it is displayed very well on "Whatever Martha" with Martha Stewart's daughter, Alexis and her friend Jennifer. This show has taken what was a very popular show with a certain demographic and made it something that an entirely different group of people will find amusing. Brilliant on Martha's part. She had the idea to take reruns of her show and play them for her wise-crackin' daughter and her equally fresh mouthed friend for the sole purpose of picking them apart and poking fun at them. Alexis and Jennifer make snide remarks about Martha's clothing and the craft of the day. They have a sarcastic wit about them that is charming and not overly mean spirited and that is how they struck gold. That was a show that our mothers and grandmothers made popular enough to sky rocket Martha to stardom 15 years ago while it bored the rest of us to tears. Martha now found a way to recycle that crap for my generation and she is getting more green for her green idea. There's nothing greener than recycling except maybe money. Bravo, Martha. You've done it again! Alexis and Jennifer are just two girls poking fun at the mother of one of them. Something I do with some of my friends all the time for little or no compensation but that's why these girls are smarter then we are. They turn a profit for their tomfoolery. If only I had thought of it first...

Next time I'm sitting at a table swapping stories with a group of my friends, maybe someone should tape it and pay me per laugh. That would be a sweet gig and I believe we have the tales to turn a buck. We could call it "Who wants to be a wise-ass?" Until then we will continue do it for free because the smiles on the faces of our friends is payment enough but someday I will want a raise!

Gun Stores and Barnes & Noble... heavenly combo!

My day was pretty great today. After the trip into Harvey to pick up a window to replace the lovely ply wood in the hole in my mother's house, I spent the rest of the day with my good friend shopping. He and I went to a gun store, Target, Panera Bread and Barnes & Noble to finish it off. Now that's a combo that describes me to a T. The gun store to satisfy the "hick" in me, Target to pick up a few seasons of The Office to satisfy the "Hollywood Diva", Panera because a gal's gotta eat and Barnes & Noble to pick up a book of photography called "Men Before 10 a.m" to make the artsy side of me giggly like a school girl. That book was nowhere to be found but I scored another coffee table photography book on one of my favorite Hollywood icons, Audrey Hepburn so it wasn't a total loss. The other book is on Amazon so I win even when I lose, it seems.

Now these events just serve as further proof that I am a bit of a puzzle; some would say a few pieces shy of a complete puzzle but what do they know? One of my friends recently described me as just the right combination of perfection and imperfection. I like that better... she knows her stuff. I think all these parts just make me more fun to watch. Who wants predictability unless you’re watching an episode of Full House? Some day I may be able to squish all these parts into something useful. I joke with my brother and one of my uncles (not Uncle X), about how successful we would be if we could find a way to document our family and the shenanigans that ensue without hurting feelings. The world would love to read a book called "My Big Fat White Trash Family", I just know it but not everyone in the family would come out laughing. Some people can't take a joke, you know how it is. I can poke fun at myself better than anyone but some don't like being the butt and I can understand that. Believe me when I say no one would be safe either so that’s a large linch mob and I don't like running for my life. The creative juices flow still and I can't help imagining who would play me in the movie version if I could pull it off without being disowned. I think maybe Debra Messing could be "Kimberly as an adult", what do you think?

If you knew my family at all you would understand completely. There are so many great personalities just begging to be shared with everyone. My brother, uncle and I all have a very similar sense of humor so if we were to collaborate the sky would be the limit. My mother and grandma are the opposite but luckily they get a kick out of the three of us just being us. Grandma would be a very strong character what with her backwoods way of thinking and the lack of the ability to hear what anyone is saying at normal volume. Yelling across the table at her and her misinterpreting every other word and just completely missing the rest. My mom also is made for something like this. Her brain has a direct route to her mouth, no yield or stop signs anywhere, and everything she thinks comes right out verbally no matter how inappropriate that thought may be. Every holiday is just another opportunity to collect material.

The three of us clowns have minds like steel traps too and they all know it. Too bad for them but great for us that they just can't help being hilarious without even trying. Then there's that uncle who does anything for a laugh and whenever I am around him thats all I do. He has had quite an awesome past that pleads to be made into a biography! He wants to call it "Bob and Me" and if you ever see that title and flip the book over and see a hillbilly on the back you buy that book and go use the bathroom so you don't soil yourself when you settle down to read it. He was a kid who made Dennis the Menace look like an angel. My brother had his wonderful ideas when he was a little guy and brought them to fruition if at all possible and often times mortified our parents. I think sometimes they were secretly impressed with what a kid could pull off with a yard full of junk and a few tools and a brilliant scheme. He also has another useful gift. That kid can talk you into anything and often times got myself and our step-siblings to help him out if we were needed. We did have junk everywhere. The neighborhood kids wanted to play man hunt in what they affectionately called "Dave's used parts" almost every night in the summer. My dad has an impressive pile of what most people see as rusty crap but he looks out and sees beautiful equipment he can't wait to restore. I hope all his dreams come true too or us kids will have a fortune to pay to scrap all that when he is turning wrenches and digging ditches up in Heaven.

So remember if you ever find yourself in the company of even one of us, don't slip up. We will store that away and pass that story around at the Christmas dinner table and all get a big chuckle at your expense. You never know... you may even find yourself a character in a book written by 3 idiots from the sticks in Rhode Island. It would all be in good fun so don't be offended... we still love you but the opportunity is just too good to pass up. That's just how it goes in show business, you use what you got... and we certainly do.

You can't fit me in that box... no matter how hard you try.

Here's the thing...

I really don't fit in a box at all. I'm in construction but love fashion and culture. I clean up ok and enjoy the theater and art but I burp and fart whenever I have to. Don't get me wrong... I know when it's ok to let one rip and don't do that sort of thing when I'm out to dinner or around those who don't know me just yet. Once you’re in my circle, you get it all, like it or not. That's another part of "the thing", most people either love me or hate me. My sense of humor has no censor and I thrive on the reactions I get from others so over the top is my middle name. That's good too because I wasn't given an actual middle name when I was born.

I am a contradiction and often times that doesn't work for others but I really am not interested in changing that much to please them. I know there are some flaws I don't like about myself and I try to pinpoint them and work on them. In fact, I am always going to be a work in progress. For the most part though, I am me and that’s who I am. A little quirky, never really one of the cool kids but I can adapt and feel at ease in any situation. I am not great at anything but love to learn new things so I kinda know a little about a lot. I love spending quality time with my grandfather, Erastus or with my nephew, Cameron. That says something as well. I get along great with 80 year olds and 2 year olds. It's true! I have always hung out with folks that were older than myself and can always be found right in the center of a pile of kids playing Lego's on the floor.

My dad likes to tell people about how when I was 11 I would be home watching Turner Classic Movies while others my age were watching MTV. The truth is I came home from school one day and caught the movie Funny Girl from the middle and felt a connection with the character Fanny Brice from the get -go. I had to see it start to finish and let me just say it wasn't easy to find that movie before DVD came out and internet was in every home. Now almost everything is out there some where and it's relatively easy to find it if you look hard enough. I learned a ton from watching Fanny in action. She was never the prettiest or the most conventional but she had passion. That was the beginning of all this for me. I then started watching musicals and dramas and romantic comedy and anything I could get before my eyes. Through that, my love of music grew as well. Music and film is filled with emotions and characters who show you how to be even if it happens by showing who you don't want to be.

I tend to hide my deeper side behind my goofy side and suppose that's where film and music come in to play. I can get into a mood and just need to watch Moulin Rouge. The music and the camera angles are phenomenal! I often get sucked into a week long marathon of The Mirror Has Two Faces. I can watch The Mirror with Barb Streisand about 10 times over and over and feel like it's the first time. I can watch the L Word and experience the growth and passion between the characters Bette Porter and Tina Kinard and think there is hope in this world for people who love one another and are willing to work hard to make a relationship that can last, gay or straight. The way they shoot some scenes and the music they put behind it are so powerful on that show sometimes. The wardrobe for Bette is a dream wardrobe for me if I just were a different character in my own life. Jennifer Beals who plays Bette Porter is an inspiration to me. She breathes such life into everything she does from her family to her career as well as her photography. She is steadfast in the things she believes in and puts everything she has into everything she does. She has class and beauty and talent beyond words. She is on the top of my list of 5 people who given the chance to have a cup of tea and chat with, I believe she could change my life for the better just as her work does. I love when I watch something and feel the pain or joy that the character is going through as if it is my own. The fact that people have the ability to make me not feel like the only one who has ever felt that way is such a comfort. It tells me that someone felt like I do at some point because they took the time to write it into the life of a character for everyone to get to know.

Timing and delivery and chemistry are so important. When those things are all there magic happens. Will and Grace and the L Word are great examples of this for me. I have been told I look a little like Debra Messing and that I act a lot like Megan Mullaly's character, Karen Walker. I hope all that is even a little true. Megan, by the way, is also on that list I have tucked away in my brain of fantasy conversations I would give my left one to be able to have. Oh, that would be a fun one!

I am a christian but very open minded and that doesn't sit well with some in that world. I work in construction but when people hear that they don't believe a girl who is 5'5" and 140 lbs does what I do. They expect someone a bit more... "butch", if I may when they meet me after having heard about me. When people hear I'm single and hear what I do for a living many assume gay but I'm not that either. I'm just single and happy. If it's meant to be it will be and thats just how I feel about it. Unlike most chicks on the cusp of 30, I don't look for love because I'm genuinely happy as I am. I learned early on from the mistakes of others that you can't change anyone and if someone tries to change me to fit some mold then they don't understand or appreciate me and therefore don't belong in my life. I really don't fit in the box but they still try to cram me in. So i march to a different drum... is that such a bad thing? I hope not...

So my life isn't glamorous or exciting per say, but I do what I can with what I was given. I'm not high maintenance and won't make any kind of trophy wife. I'm very old fashioned but live in a modern world so what else can I do? I have to escape now and then with a great playlist on my ipod or by watching Definitely Maybe... because I'm convinced I'm someone's April. So the soundtrack keeps on playing and character's come and go and my show runs season after season so I stay tuned in and watch what happens. Care to join me?

My First Real Blog is Born! Isn't she cute?

SO... here's the thing, an uncle I will call Uncle X told me last night that I should write me a blog. I'm going to take that advice right now and he promised to read it and comment but not tell people we are related so he'd better make good on that promise or else! I will go ahead and tell you I'm a carpenter, not a writer and although I took five years of French class and the normal amount of English required at Chariho High in little bitty Rhode Island... grammar and spelling are not my strongest subjects in any language. It has also been eleven years since my last high school course so all that is gone now anyhow. Punctuation will be misplaced and sentences will be run-on so any advice and guidance to make this fun to read is welcomed... that is assuming anyone will even read this at all... besides Uncle X, of course.

The advice was to write a blog to discuss my passions in life because my real life does not involve any of the afore mentioned passions. I am a huge fan of the Arts and I know that it is a broad term so I will be more specific. I live for music, film, theater and photography. These things I have not pursued sadly just because life happens ready or not and I decided to try to be prepared so I work as normal people must do to get by. So this blog will maybe help me to find other people with similar passions so we can share opinions and I can learn more about my favorite Arts and maybe a few more I can appreciate.

Here is a little bit about me, my back story if you will. I am a 29 year old woman from Rhode Island. As I said, I am a carpenter for about 7 years now. This is a job I love doing and I find satisfying so don't think I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am aware that almost every child when asked what they want to be when they grow up the answer will almost always be a singer or a star in some capacity and at my age that is not nearly as cute so I don't verbalize these dreams. I do know that given the opportunity to drop it all for a shot to do something in television or film with minimal risk, I wouldn't think twice. Alas, I am 29 and not beautiful and lack talent so it isn't likely that Hollywood will come to call on me. I have worked in a few different jobs including restaurants, in a tank truck with a family business and in a movie theater. That job is the closest to a film career I have gotten unless you want to count my day to day antics. One of my favorite things is to people watch and say and do things to get a reaction out of others so I guess I try to bring some of the aspects of tv and film to my life. Timing and delivery are everything, after all.

I guess that's the beginning of my story for you. I hope it gets better as I learn about this blog thing. If you are reading this, I thank you and try to stick with me as I get deeper and improve. I promise to bring my sense of humor to every meeting! Keep on singing in the car and always remember music is better when it is played LOUD!