I did not win the coveted solid mahogany troll doll "2009 Ugliest Sweater" trophy...

I did however win a very spirited snow day game of Scrabble with my mother today so winner, winner chicken dinner! I also learned some new words and their definitions. I learned that when I say "That's my Oreo, don't eat it!" there is a word in there with an entirely different meaning that has nothing whatsoever to do with the fight to save my tasty cookies. The word "OREODONT" is a noun that refers to an extinct sheep-sized mammal so now my blog is not only goofy and entertaining but a learning experience. I also found out that despite my best efforts I could not convince my mother that the word that means "to prevent the success of" is not in fact spelled "f-o-y-y-a-l" even if I was stuck with 2 "Y's" and an "F" all worth 4 points each, very near the end of the game with not many opportunities to unload them on the crowded board. Even with her intellect being greater then I suspected I was not "foiled" and I came out victorious. Now I want my trophy.. or at least an Oreo.

The party proved to be a grand one last night despite the snow storm. We hard core ugly sweater wearing merry makers still managed to go out and brave the storm and come together for what turned out to be a wonderful night with friends, food and board games. Jen and I even made snow angels on their deck in the 8- 10 inches of snow that had fallen by about midnight! Now that spells a good time to me! They had food, drink, music and some of the finest people the tri-state area have to offer so "CHEERS" to all of you and your wonderful spirit! I love you all, old ( I use this term not to define your age! Ha ha!) and new friends!

There were in attendance some of the ugliest garments that the fashion world, sears and a little imagination, battery operated lights and a glue gun could ever come out with as well. Jen had a lively number with bells and ribbons and gross little trees made from little pearls and brass colored beads. A great choice ultimately made when Jen went to gal at the desk at Sears with 2 pretty hideous sweaters and asked straight faced as only she could "Excuse me... which one of these is uglier?" To which the young lady responded "I'm sorry. Uglier?" Jen nodded and the young lady confusedly pointed to one and thats the one Jen put down before her and said "Great! I'll take that one then. Thank you." The woman said "Wait... I said that was the ugly one..." and Jen delighted with her awful purchase said "I know! I'll take it!" It was ugly, too. Something your nanna would wear to dinner and think she looked like LIza Minnelli in all her glitz and glamour. One guy showed up in what I'm sure was a woman's sweater vest with putrid snowmen along the waistline! Truly the opposite of flattering to the midsection being littered with fat, round snowmen! The winning couple had an inspiring unsophisticated coordination happening. The lad was sporting a red sweater purchased at Goodwill that I can only assume was hauled from the attic of some home where a young boy lived and loved his sweater in the 80's but tucked it away where it was forgotten until a family member passed away and forced the rummaging through of old, dust- covered boxes so the home could be cleaned up and sold. Once it was unearthed it was thankfully donated to the thrift store Andy found it in and he and his beautiful wife took this snug treasure and doctored it up a bit to take home the trophy. He had a large, glittery, gold "NOEL" piece attached to is back while she proudly bore the large glittery, silver word "JOY" on her equally outdated top also happened upon while hunting in the rack at Goodwill. Now that's true embodiment of the Holiday spirit right on their bodies. They deserved to win that trophy. I wore a sweater dress in vibrant red that I installed battery powered lights throughout and a tree skirt my sister and I thought made a better cape with some embellishments and a garland covered fake tree perched atop my head. Not the most functional thing I've ever worn but it got me dubbed "Over the top!" and called "Too much!" and everyone embraced the name of Christmas Wizard I gave myself so I suffered for the art of fashion. We laughed, danced, sang and played games late into the night and I would say Jen and Gian threw yet another successful party. I am so lucky to be a part of such a wonderful group of people.

Our area is blanketed with a thick layer of fresh snow so when I venture home from mom's it will only be to hibernate for the remainder of my precious weekend. I will more then likely snuggle up with a good book off the list called " Kimber's Book Club". None of these will be found along side "The Kite Runner" or any other's from "Oprah's Book Club" but what does she know besides how to build a multi-million dollar empire and how to lose weight then gain it rapidly back all right before our eyes. As that is great entertainment and I assure you the books from her list may all be wonderful bits of literature, I prefer to read about the sex-capades and sometimes drunken life of the lovable fresh mouthed comedian and t.v personality/brilliant writer, Chelsea Handler. I recently read about one of my heroines in Hollywood, Marlee Matlin in her wonderful book "I'll Scream Later" as well. Her book was a great one that shows you how down to earth and talented a woman she is despite her struggles with addiction and the early success and fame she earned with her first movie role. She has managed to, according to her, maintain a somewhat normal family life with 4 beautiful kids and a loving supportive husband which is quite a feet amid the hustle and bustle the spot light affords. A beautiful human being whom the out- of- control child stars of today should listen to and learn from to avoid the embarrassment they all keep putting themselves through. She knows how to handle critics and interviews with a great sense of humor and is someone to be admired.

Christmas five days away and snow on the ground, the Season is Greeting us with full force in a traditional way. I very much enjoyed the fun not-so-silent night we had last night at the party and will cherish the memories forever. I am also thankful in way to have been snowed in today because it was with my mom full of laughter and learning new words and their definitions. This is turning out to be a whimsical Christmas Story that is worthy of a mahogany trophy and an entire package of Double Stuff Oreo's! That's right, it's a Wonderful Life!

First we must learn to live with the fact and hopefully some day embrace it...

Then we get a grip... a firm grip on the phone and call our hairdresser and trusted friend and make a quick appointment bright and early Saturday morning and pay to hide this fact as best we can. I'm getting old but shhhhh! Don't tell anyone. As far as I'm concerned the Nile is just a river in Egypt and nothing more.

I was chatting with one of my closest friends... I refuse to say oldest friends even though thats what she is in a manner of speaking. I have known but not always loved this girl for about 16 years or so. We didn't always like each other but once we realized we just didn't understand one another when we were brought together by a mutual friend, we couldn't deny our chemistry. The rest is history. Now I can send her a text that to anyone else would look like a complete pile of gibberish or a jumble of unrelated words and she will respond and finish the sentence. We both will say things in the company of coworkers or other friends and laugh out loud while we get blank stares and will be forced to say, "If Jen were here..." or "If Kim were here..." followed by the phrase "...that would have been hysterical". I can say things to her like "I just went to BJ's and found Clueless and Mean Girls in a pink, sparkly box set and I bought it!" She would then utter these words in ecstasy "Oh my goodness!! That sounds like Heaven!" That is one of the instances that reminds me that her and I are soul mates who belong together for eternity.

We will go to a restaurant and upon getting a waitress who seemingly does not enjoy our company, Jen will lean in as she walks away and say to me with the seriousness of a heart attack, "She just doesn't like is because we are too pretty." I nod in agreement as if thats the only logical reason for her bad mood. Her and I send texts to one another with quotes from our favorite movies like Bye Bye Love, First Wives Club and Overboard as well as many others. She will send me randomly during the day something like "Oh you say! Sure!" and I will respond quickly with "It wasn't us, Dad! It must have been Roy!" Whenever I get a text or an email from Jen I am always delighted. She makes me smile whenever I even think about her.

This August I was privileged and honored to be asked to participate in her wedding. The experience was great and I will cherish the memories but not as much as I regret the invention of the camera. I had the best time but completely sober I somehow thought that it was perfectly acceptable to stand on my chair during dinner and command the attention of the room. At this point the logic portion of my brain was still on vacation I guess because I then urged the mass of family and friends to sing along to Neil Diamond's, "Sweet Caroline" with me as if I were conducting a concert and they were my choir. I have no explanation for any of this except that I am maybe just a few bananas short of a bunch. Luckily for me, Jen and her wonderful husband have a great sense of humor. Sadly for me, they had a wonderful photographer who quickly noticed who had no self control and they could get some painful pictures that beg the question "Why am I allowed to be places?"

Jen and her husband are such a loving and hospitable couple who host beautiful picnics and parties in their lovely home for the group of friends and family that surround them. They are very creative and think of fun themes for these gatherings and everyone gets involved and we have a blast. This Christmas they have decided we will celebrate by having an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. This of course delighted me to hear this news and receive an invitation. My twisted little mind immediately began thinking of what would be the most gaudy, hideously painful frock I could fashion for myself to sport during this party. I enlisted the assistance of my very creative step sister and we set out to produce this foul thing we now call the Christmas Wizard Costume. It is truly a masterpiece of huge, epic proportions with lights and singing characters and moving parts that include battery packs I must tuck into my pockets and carry around with me. I know this will be awkward and cumbersome but totally worth the aggravation. My step sister and I are really quite proud of ourselves and I hope it gets a worthy reaction tomorrow night.

So in the next few days you will surely be hearing about the wonderful shenanigans that will most certainly play out during this Holiday party, so come back for a follow-up to this blog. It's sure to be a great time and in turn inspire some witty, comical prose. Maybe all my foolishness is all in an effort to keep wading in the waters of the deep, deep Nile... but let's not get carried away with admitting and embracing facts. The grey hair is more then I care to handle at any given time and quite frankly I'm spent from this recent dilemma and will need to go to bed early for weeks to come just to recover.

I'm not just a plain Hag now... I'm becoming an Old Grey Hag!!

YIKES! This fact is very frightening to me for some reason. Maybe in part because I act like a prepubescent 12 year old school girl so much of the time so it's unsettling that my hair would be the only part of me to act my age. I trot around town in jeans and a hat of random styles and think nothing at all about running into the grocery store in my moo-cow pj's and my "I have gas" t-shirt as if thats at all acceptable behavior for someone who is my age unless they are the town lush. I have also learned that if I go see a movie with lots of action I am overcome by a very serious case of Tourette's syndrome complete with violent twitches and loud outbursts both of which I have no control over. Now the discussion at the salon yesterday was a somber one when we had to speak of the direction to take to mask this "Oldism" from basically just myself. We talked about highlights as a I am not very good at maintenance and everyday upkeep and thought this to be the most reasonable solution for a woman like myself. I can barely brush my hair and have no clue how to put on any kind of makeup. I'm lucky I can apply chapstick because that could be painful but lipstick is a whole other ball of wax.

I briefly discussed the notion this morning with a friend that if I were going to dye my hair, isn't it said that blondes have more fun? We both decided it was probably not legal for me to go around having any more fun then I already do therefore I'd better stay Legally Brunette to avoid prison. Leave the fun blonde stuff to Reese Witherspoon who obviously has more will power and self control then I do. I can dress up and look a bit like a lady but would rather not and only subject myself to this brutal form of torture on Sunday mornings between the hours of 9:30 and about 1:00 if I can help it at all.

I just really am not that comfortable with idea that a woman has to be frilly. I don't do that sort of thing. I wear boy cut panties, never a thong because I hate wedgies and why would I purposely give myself one. I am comfy in sneakers and jeans and would rather sit and talk shop with the boys then wonder which of the catty women I was laughing with in this moment will be talking smack behind my back in the next. I find that women are far more judgmental toward me then men and limit myself on the amount of two-faced people I willingly allow in my circle.

Childbirth is yet another womanly function that gives me the creeps. At lunch with my cousin today we were discussing how convenient it would be if when you went to give birth to your first child they would ask if you planned on more. If the answer were yes you could be fit with a drawstring. That way we keep ourselves as we were meant to be and eliminate the annoying work aspect by simply loosening the string and letting that child enter the world swinging a cane like Stewie Griffin did it. You would think that with all the modern medicine and plastic surgery out there someone would have marketed this idea years ago. Wait a minute... I am going to call the patent office in the morning! I could be rich with such a brainstorm as this. I can see it now... women everywhere will chant my name and men will shower me with gifts because their wives didn't swear at them and call them names while their newborn sauntered into the world. That probably explains some of the disrespect children show parents when the first thing they hear is mommy verbally abusing daddy. Think about it people.

Girls really haven't got it easy. We get cramps when our "friend" comes to visit. With friends like that who needs enemies? Also, wings are only a good thing when they stay stuck the underside of our undergarments. OUCH! It is painfully obvious to me that females got the crappy end of the stick and have to endure much more then men what with the hot wax, plucking and shaving. I am getting over the initial trauma and shock that I experienced when I took a shower at my new apartment for the first time. I realized that boys have hair that I don't allow to grow on my body and that that hair sheds all over the shower walls and sink when they bathe. I have had only female roommates for the most part for the past 12 or more years and forgot the important life lesson taught to every girl in elementary school that boys do indeed have cooties. I am thinking how very lucky I am to be single, have a hairdresser who is a friend and very talented with the wax and to own a razor and know how to use it. So very, very lucky!