You just cant make some stuff up... it's just a fact.

For quite some time now, I have been anti-dating. I was sitting last night, as i often do on a Friday night because I don't date, enjoying DVD extras from one of my favorite shows, The Office and there was one section where they had footage from a convention where many of the show's writers were in attendance. They were all seated on a stage in a line and the audience had the opportunity to ask questions of these talented people about the characters, the town they chose to base the show in and the method they use for script writing. I found some of the advice particularly amusing. One audience member asked how they get ideas for the crazy scenarios that play themselves out on the show and many of the writers had to admit that even some of the crazy stuff was true events that happened to them or someone they know and just to write those things down and see if other people find it as funny as you do can be beneficial and has been in the case of that show . So here I sit, about to do that very thing and maybe I'll learn a little something about myself along with you.

It is admittedly a bit of fear and lack of self-esteem that is behind the yucky feeling my tummy gets when I think about putting myself out there in the dating world. I have maybe seen a bit too much too young and not really had a bunch of great, healthy relationships to show me that it is real and tangible to find another human being to love and love me back. This perhaps is part of why I like to watch relationships on screen and enjoy the joy and the pain from the safety of my couch. My mom in her younger days was not faithful to my father and also chose to include her young children in her infidelity. She brought us along and although I was 9 when they divorced, I was old enough to know something not quite right had been happening. My grandparents on my father's side had split before I was born because of infidelity as well but they have to this day the most healthy, normal relationship in my family I think, oddly enough. My mother's parents didn't exactly give a great example of mutual respect and as sad as that reality is, it is something we jest about often now maybe just to ease the sadness a little.

My family isn't really squishy or emotional and the man I credit with my ability to feel human is my grandfather, Erastus. He treated my brother and I, as I understand it, much differently then he did his 4 boys when they were younger. He wanted to listen to me when I needed it. He wanted to tell me stories from his past including his time in the Army, a career in cross country trucking, heavy equipment operating and mechanic work and many stories of our family and people in the town when he was growing up. He cooks with his rough 81 year old worker hands but when I watch him do it I see an artist at work and I know that cooking is just another way he pours his love out for me. I was raised in his house and most things that are good for me and about me are because of him. He is a wonderful man and I am so proud to be loved by him.

Now that that part of my journey has been traveled, let me move on. My parents did divorce when I was 9 and my brother was 5. I don't remember a lot from being a kid but I remember being in the backseat of my mom's subaru car when she gave me advice that I don't think she meant to stick with me but I believe it did. She was frustrated. Her ex-husband wasn't paying child support and her boyfriend whom she had an affair with wasn't calling her. She sped away from her boyfriend's home and looked in the rear view mirror at me. She squinted her eyes looking at me in the backseat and said "Kimberly. Men aren't worth a piss hole in the snow. You remember that." And I did. We joke about it now and it is in the book of wisdom and quotes my brother and I have in our brains along with many others.

We moved to Pennsylvania when my mom remarried for the first time. We had many changes happening at home in RI but we went to spend the summer with mom and step-dad. At home, Dad's girlfriend and her 3 children were moving into our half of grandpa's duplex as well as the arrival of their child while we were away melting in the sun with cow crap in PA. I was 12 that summer and had no friends in our new town. I asked mom to do something with me and she would say "I'm not your playmate. Go find a friend." or "I had 2 kids so they would play with each other." I think she was more unhappy with her own choices then we were and she took that out on us a little. We have since gained a good relationship and a little better understanding of one another so when I hug her now she doesn't tell me it's too hot and don't hang on her so things are much better.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a bad childhood or lack for any of the vital things one needs. It just wasn't as happy as it could have been. I learned in the past decade or so to make the best life I can for myself and not to blame others so much and to love people for who they are and not to hate them for who they can't be. I had to learn a lot about forgiveness.

So, now that maybe we can understand why I am sarcastic and I use humor as defense and all that crapola... we can jump a few years. I did sort of date some but I think that maybe that only solidified my ideas on the subject. One date with a very handsome young guy was very comical. My friend Jen and I were going on a double date to the movies and it was Saturday. At this time, I was a cook in a local restaurant and being the weekend I made lots of fish. Baked cod and fried shrimp and fish and chips were turned out like crazy on the weekends and if you have ever cooked you know that some things leave their smell in your skin. That was the case for me I discovered as I was showering and attempting to cleanse the smell of flounder from my hands. I finished in the bathroom and came out to tell Jen about the problem and after sniffing my hand and turning up her nose, she said "Don't worry about it, Kim. Who is going to smell your fingers on a first date anyway?" That made perfect sense and I couldn't think why I would be so worried about something like that.

The guys showed up and we hopped in separate cars, me with my hotty and Jen with hers for some reason I still don't understand. Somewhere along the way this young man did the unthinkable and took my hand and began kissing it and put my fingers right in his mouth! It was all I could do to not laugh my ass off partly because I was embarrassed and partly because WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?! If cell phones were there I would have video taped it and sent it to Jen with some stupid caption I'm sure but I had to wait until we got to Warwick and we could run into the ladies room together to discuss the matter. Jen was hysterical and laughed like crazy and the next time we all hung out she let the hold on her tongue loose and made some comment like "Vinny, do you like fish?" and I could do nothing but look at her wide eyed and mortified and watch her say some of the funniest things I had ever heard her say. We all laughed about it then and she and I laugh about it from time to time now, 12 years later. The date when Vinny had Kim's fish fingers. Classic.

That's kinda how dating goes for me so I have done a very good job of avoiding it. That however sets up a whole new set of problems for me. People think I may be deformed in some way, or I have a social disorder maybe, am I gay or straight? Questions come up all the time. To be honest, I don't know what I am. I have a genuine lack of desire that has been described as A-sexual or non-sexual. My personal favorite is when a teenage friend of the daughter of my fpal of mine asked if I was gay she answered "No. She's A-sexual." The teen sat for a minute and said "A-what??" and she responded "She's nothing." I find that very funny and it is my favorite way to describe my sexuality or lack there of.

I'm not against relationships and I find people attractive but I get nausea when I think about opening up and letting someone in. I think love is beautiful and of course if I ever found it by accident somehow, I would try to hold on with all my might but I just seem to find myself in one long drawn out joke after another so I don't play that game too often.

I get lots of advice though, like "Get drunk. You won't even know it happened." or "Get a vibrator. They are GREAT." or "Let me set you up." I don't really think any of that sounds fun in fact I have heard a vibrator horror story that makes me glad one of those monsters does not live in my house. I had a downstairs neighbor who told us the tale of a vibrator from long ago in her past that sent shivers down my spine. She had a husband when she was younger who traveled for work. He thought it a sexy good idea to get her a toy and tell her to get to know herself while he was away. She tucked it away and forgot about it for a while until one trip he was on she stumbled on it and gave it try. It wasn't doing much for her at first until she noticed that the batteries were leaking acid and she had burns on her thighs. That was a lesson I don't need learn for myself, thank you very much. By the way... why do people think they can tell these things?!?! Yeeeesh!

Any way you slice it, dating is always a failed venture for me but I'm glad if it works out for you. I hope you all find bliss and live long happy lives together and I would love to hear success stories all day long. But for goodness sakes, DON'T ever tell me if you burn yourself with your vibrator! That's just one of those things you can't make up and you should keep to yourself. It's just a fact.