Black Friday shopping is all fun and games until someone pukes on your trunk.

Jen and I have been going out Black Friday shopping in the middle of the night together for a few years in a row now. Sure it's a great opportunity to score some great deals on electronics or handbags and bang out a good deal of your Christmas gift buying list, but the night promises to be so much more then just that. To me, some of the greatest gifts are given outside the stores on the sidewalk while waiting to rush in with the crowd. Other times, treasure is found inside in line at the register. There is a nugget of goodness at nearly every turn and we love every minute of it.

I've mentioned Jen in some of my past blogs many times. She is a very important person to me to say the least. I wrote in a text to her this morning that she was my soulmate and I honestly believe that with all that am. We are so in sync with one another that with just a quick glance over the shoulder, I know exactly what she is thinking. We are like Steve Erwin on safari and the wild life was out in force last night for sure! I've known Jen over half my life and still think how scary it is that we found each other. Two twisted bitches hurling shit like monkeys in a zoo everywhere we go.

We started the night by meeting in the parking lot of Kohl's department store just before 11pm. The lot was relatively quiet with a few handfuls of cars and no line at the door yet. We decided given the circumstances, we could afford a Dunkin Donuts run to grab Jen a Mountain Dew to fuel up. We zipped to D&D in Jen's swift ride, I poured her Dew in her large cup for her as is customary and we headed back. The lot had more cars in it now and a small line had formed but we decided to wait it out since midnight was when the doors would open and it was cold out. We sat in the car and I tweeted, we chatted, people walked by and we teased the unsuspecting strangers and we watched the line grow. At some point, she asked who I was texting and when I told her I was tweeting not really texting she responded with a dry, "that's wild" which I found amusing and we used that phrase as a tag line all night long. We noticed the two older chicks in the car near us had fogged up windows and surmised they were making out for warmth and steamed it up. We held fake conversations for the unattractive boy and his way -out -of -his -league girlfriend who walked by and decided he was telling her to hurry up because he really wanted to buy her nice panties and she could model them when they got home so they needed to rush to get a good spot in line. All very immature for two women in their thirty's, I know. It's just what we do.

As the line grew Jen took notice and said we better get in there before we are standing under the Dollar General sign about six stores down the line from the door of Kohl's. We got in line and quickly a large group of young kids piled in behind us. Jen and I talked, I tweeted, they spoke about things like fighting and "cutting" people (and i dont mean in line) very loudly like they were very "street" and we should be impressed or intimidated. We shot each other looks when one of them would say something particularly crazy and both periodically checked our purses because for some reason the gang member wanna be's kept touching our bags behind us a lot and it was weird and made our snobby skin crawl and we were paranoid.

The doors opened, the crowd bum rushed the store and the race was on. Jen had scouted a few days before and knew where the items on her list were located already so we were in and out of there in no time. We did see "panty boy" and his clearly low self esteem ridden girlfriend while we were in line and Jen gestured for me to take inventory to see if we predicted correctly what they were after. Not a thong nor sensible cotton brief in his pile. I predicted wrong. Surprise!

After that we went to Walmart here Jen thought she could pick up a few bargains for her 4 year old niece. On the way inside I decided to grace Jen with a world class fart while making eye contact and pretending to be interested in the story about Thanksgiving family foolishness to see what reaction I would get. She didnt skip a beat and simply paused her story telling long enough to say "Really?! Are you kidding me with that, Kim?" coupled with a disaproving look. She knows just how to handle me, God bless her. There weren't many people, stuff was disorganized and employees were everywhere doing nothing so that was a bust and we left.

On to Toys R Us next to see about something for her niece and maybe find something for her son. We parked and got in and found a little something to start her niece gift pile and followed the blue tape arrows on the floor that zig zagged like a maze through aisles and around shelves and formed the marathon route to the registers. We got in line like cattle and continued our banter and people watching. We kept getting a wiff of fart and occasional horrid, pungent body oder and tried to locate the source of each individual stench. It was like a game. We got out and returned to the car and Jen, the always concerned friend asked me politely if I wanted a soda or a snack or for her to drive me out into the woods and leave me for dead. She delivered the line perfectly and I didn't expect it but once I realized what she had said and why we both laughed like crazy. I think it was around 1:30am at this juncture and delirium was beginning to set in. I know the bulk of this is only funny to us anyway and it's a lot of "you had to be there" kind of stuff but it was one laugh after another or us.

Now we decided to see what Target had to offer. They always have lots of DVD's for my collection so I grabbed a handfull and we began searching for the end of the line. Luckily, part way through, we ran into my step-mom and her sister and they graciously offered to take my DVD's to the end of the line with them so we could avoid the 2 hours total they spent in line and we moved on to the mall.

We went to Victoria's Secret and took advantage of the buy one get one half off on bras deal and we got a complimentary tote bag with lotion and body spray samples as well as a tiny tube of something called "face primer" which I have no idea what the purpose is because I am not a beauty product person at all!! Satisfied with our over the shoulder boulder holders, we moseyed down to Old Navy and scored Jen some cozy little around -the -house type shirts.

After all that we were waiting forJcPenny to open to grab a few discounted to the point of fairly priced toys for Jen's little boy so we went to the food court to kill a little time. The deli was the only thing open serving food at 3am so we ordered a grilled cheese and mozzarella sticks for a snack and sat down. This proved to be the best spot to witness the animals that were out that night so we just observed the wild life in its natural habitat. One well endowed in the darrier department woman walked by us on her way to the restroom and stunned us with her sewing skills. She had an awe inspiring patch of denim about 10 inches square that was a very impressive 8 or 10 shades lighter then the rest of her jeans planted smack dab in the center of her billboard sized ass. Subtle.


Then while eating and talking Jen pulled a signature "slip something in off the topic of conversation as if it belongs" and as she took a bite of her grilled cheese informed me that the table of ladies behind me had just gotten up and "one of those ladies just picked her wedge and I'm watching" was the "slip in" of the moment that time. Some people are less classy then we are so I don't feel so bad.

By this time, Penny's was open so we ran in and got the baby 2 toys, paid and proceeded to try to weave our way out. That's when perhaps our favorite moment occurred. We were ducking and diving like a football player running for a touchdown, me right on Jen's heals when it slapped us in the face. A chunky African American girl with her pants halfway down her ass was standing off to the side a little, her butt crack very exposed and we spotted it at the same time. Jen looked over her shoulder and we made bulging eye contact and instantly lost our shit. The girl must have noticed that people were cracking up at her crack and as we sped away from the scene of that accident, heard her say something like, "oh dammit! That must be why people have been laughing!" as she hiked up her drawers. Jen turned to me and said, "I just saw my first black butt crack" and I laughed so hard I almost bellowed and had to take a moment to not fall on the floor. On the way to the door an employee handing out little red boxes stopped Jen and asked if she got her snow globe to which she threw out her hand and said "NO!" very excitedly. She stopped so I was in front of the special gift giver girl and I almost ran into her as she gave a look that said "take that from her, Idiot!", so I did. I held the little box inspecting it in my hand and asked Jen what the hell it was. She told me she didn't know but it was free. I was a little floored at that and snapped, "I'll tell you what it is... It's yours, bitch!" Just because it's free doesn't mean I want it!! In fact, usually that is the precise reason I do not in fact want it! She should know this about me by now.

We left the mall and went over to our last stop of the night, the Navy base. The Exchange opened at 4am and had a few things Jen wanted to snatch up. We got there about 10 after and it was pretty packed. People had hard ons for the discounts on Ugg boots, X Box and North Face gear so we joined them. We picked out a few things and Jen was very pleased that she had gotten the last Floor Shark and we headed to check out. We charged for the elevator with our cart full of stuff just as a middle aged man and his overly jubilant wife who was chanting "we are heading for he exit door" while she kicked her left leg up now and then swooped in front of us at the elevator. Jen turned to me and said "we'll just carry our stuff down the escalator" with more than a little fear in her eyes. We scooped up our stuff and took the safer route to the exit, loaded up the car and went back to where my car was, left at Kohl's. It was 5am and we were done for the night now. We hugged, I gathered my things and we went to our respective homes and beds.

She sent a text between 9 and 10 am and we chatted and thanked each other for the company and good times. I told her she was my soulmate and I love her and she responded with "I love you too. I'm glad when I saw my first black butt crack it was with you." Gosh, she sure does have a way with words and know just how to sweet talk me.

I got showered and dressed to run a quick errand and found perhaps the greatest gift I received that night. I walked out to get in my car and saw that someone had puked lots of something pink with what looked like ruffles potato chips in it all over my drunk, under the spoiler and down to the bumper of my car sometime that night. Karma giving me a cosmic kick in the balls for making fun of strangers to remind that payback is indeed a bitch?! Maybe so. I went to the high velocity car wash and cleaned up my present so it's all just a memory with the other great moments of the night. I just have to decide which way to go with renaming Black Friday for next year. Should it be "Black Buttcrack Friday" or "Pink Puke Friday"? I'll figure it out in the year to come but I know this, I can't wait to see what's in store for Jen and I when it gets here!

I'm a freak of nature... But I'm learning what I'm capable of from a very unlikely source.

So as I have outlined in many of my entries prior, I am sort of A-typical, to say the least. I've mentioned my obsessions with relationships, human nature and sexuality as much as I admit to my lack of desire to experience any of it first hand. We know I'm sarcastic and I've honed my comedic skills and use what I've learned to guard against things I fear. I enjoy living and dressing androgynous because femininity is an easy way to get hurt. It's viewed as a weakness, (I know. I'm thinking as I write it "what year is this") and I want to be stronger then I am in spite of the fact that I know I shouldn't. I spend a lot of time deep inside myself inspecting and critiquing who I am and why. This particular blog entry is dedicated to someone I don't really know and quite likely will never get to meet but whom I owe a great deal. This stranger from so far away has opened me up and made me feel more human then I ever have. They don't know it. They probably never will.

Here's the thing, or part of it. This person randomly befriended me on a popular networking site. One I use mostly as an outlet and for further study of humor and how people react. It's mindless fun for me. I witness outrageous things and am outrageous myself without judgement. Refreshing. This stranger threw a monkey wrench in the works. This person, whom shall remain nameless, has taught me a lot without even realizing. I am very good at being guarded and "stranger from faraway" has broken down some of that and caused me to explore and discover I may be capable of more then I thought. This started for me as kind of more interesting, like a science project. At this point I have a friendship and care a great deal for someone I don't actually know in the flesh. I would love to be able to meet this stranger and have a conversation and witness character and personality and see how it differs from what I know from written conversation. Beyond the anilitical side of me though, is a woman who has bonded and genuinly has chemistry with said stranger and has a lot in common with them so to meet would just be fun. This person is confident and sexy. Smart and funny. Successful and in control. Open and brutally honest. All things I don't consider myself to be. This fascinates me. I am drawn to "stranger" and admire and respect them. I hope this journey continues and I learn more and more as I go.

All of this leads me to this little side note because of the nonjudgemental nature this stranger possess and which I find refreshing and not unlike myself. I get frustrated by judgement. I read Portia De Rossi's book, "Unbearable Lightness" mostly because the idea of an eating disorder is so foreign to me and I was looking to see it from the point of view of a sufferer. If you haven't read the book, you really should. She is a phenomenal writer and her detail of the frame of mind and thought process are incredible. Beyond learning about all that, I was struck by the idea and sobering realisation that for Portia at least, all of it was born from insecurity and fear of judgement. The fact that she was afraid to be herself sexually is tragic. This is a subject near and dear to my heart.

I am an advocate for being exactly who you are and fuck anyone who thinks that's not ok. I don't always practice what I preach, but for the most part I am not timid about speaking my mind and encourage others to do the same. I try to go by the motto "Live and let live". That is to say, you don't have the right to judge people and condemn them for their pursuit of happiness just because it takes a path that differs from yours. Everyone has a right to find and hold what makes them happy as long as it doesn't infringe on someone else's freedom. What i mean by that is its not ok to harm or hurt someone else or force another into anything for the sake of your happiness. Just wanted to make that clear that I dont condone anything that involves another who is unwillingly involved. Don't beat people beacause it makes you happy. Don't touch children, that makes you a pervert. Now that I have explained what I mean when say you have the right to pursue your happiness I will move on.

The word pervert is used to describe things that are not perverted. That's wrong. The phrase "that offends me" is quite frankly over and improperly used to try to justify bigotry. That is wrong. We as human beings, no matter how pompous and egotistical we are, have no right to inflict pain, mental, emotional, physical or otherwise on another human being simply because we don't understand or want to agree with another's choices. That's wrong. The fact that people taunt and tease others to the point of mental anguish and cause self loathing and hatred where it otherwise would not dwell is wrong. To torture someone for what they do or who they are to the point where they harm or even kill themselves is barbaric. Why we think this practice is justified is beyond me.

This portion is indeed a hand on the shoulder from me to the homosexual population. I love you and stand by you. I don't hate anyone and there's no need to yet so many people hate for no reason. I don't understand why so many people are so stuck on who loves who but it's childish and needs to stop. If 2 adults are committed to one another and treat each other well and with respect and love, then dammit, that's a family. Just because it's not what your portrait looks like doesn't mean it's any less valid. I hear all the time that gay marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage. That's bullshit and any logical person knows this. Heterosexuality is doing a bang up job of flushing sanctity down the toilet but that's overlooked. I have known people who stayed in abusive relationships because of the urging of the people who should have their best interest at heart but clearly don't. They will point out that there are children involved, or the abuser is a good provider or some such nonsense yet that will be the first person to cast judgement on a happy, healthy homosexual relationship. That's infuriating stuff. People overlook infidelity and remain in loveless, unhappy relationships for fear of what othe people think all the time. We give each other too much power and it should stop. It's dangerous. You deserve to love and be loved and to be happy no matter what that looks like. Don't let anyone tell you different. RuPaul uses a quote that basically says what someone else thinks of me is none of my business. We give the opinion of a fool credence when we let it affect us. Without that, it's just the spouting of verbal diarrhea out the mouth of an idiot.

So, all that out of the way, I will continue with describing the positivity I have found in a stranger. I like that they see below the surface and still take the time to get to know more. This person may just dig me out of the hole I've buried myself and hide inside of. Only time will tell. For now, I'm thankful for the new unique friendship and insight I gain from each conversation. They have no idea the loyal friend they are making or how much I enjoy and cherish them. I raise my glass to relationships born and bred from different circumstances! Cheers, Mate! ;)