Ironic or iconic? That is forever my struggle.

I am not average. I'm not typical or predictable. I don't have a style or even any style. I do and say things for my own amusement as often as possible. I wear what feels right at the time be it Nikes and jeans and boycut underpants or a pencil skirt and pumps and lace underthings. I can't be just one thing. That's not in my nature. I like being versatile and quirky and rarely question that. I like meeting new people and experiencing different things. I want to be more adventurous and explore myself and what I'm capable of. I've been testing my own boundaries and attempting to use my big brass balls for something other than shocking people. I want to boldly take Kimberly to places she has only dreamed of both geographically and figuratively.

I am not the most confident person ever but most people who know me find that hard to comprehend. I'm bold and ballsy and as long as what I'm doing is for a laugh, I can do anything I'm dared to do. I'm loud and outspoken but that is just part of me. I'm soft and gentle at times but I keep that hidden mostly. Even when I'm feeling feminine I always make sure to add a little something edgy to blur the line. I am how I am for good reason. I've seen things that I can't forget. I was taught at a young age to resent being a woman. I learned I don't like people looking at me because they think I'm pretty. The lesson was be strong. Being weak is not an option and being overly feminine equals weakness.

Irony is a common practice for me. I wear shirts that say things like "Tell me I'm your daddy" and "Take it easy. There's enough for everyone". In reality, I'm not anyone's daddy and no one really gets any of me at all. That's funny to me. I know the joke and I love it. I am sarcastic and fresh and some people appreciate that. Others find it abrasive and I understand. Folks tend to love me or hate me and I'm at peace with that because I did it. It's a little bit of control over myself that I take on purpose.

Iconic however came about quite by accident. I really enjoy dressing up. I do it for me and put things together in a way that isn't always the norm and I don't do it to impress. I have though. When I go to church or attend an event, people look to see what I have on and what shoes I've worn that day. It takes me less than 30mins from the time I get in the shower to the time I walk out the door but apparently I do ok. I love art and fashion and try to put outfits together that will satisfy that for me and me alone. I don't really pay much mind to what others will think but it's fun when they like what I've done. I think I'm pretty plain and simple but give a little kick in some sometimes subtle way and I guess that's what makes the difference.

I use humor to get through. I need it. I can't be taken too seriously or it makes my skin crawl. I want to be funny as long as it's my joke. I don't take compliments well. In fact, they make me very uncomfortable. My own body isn't a great place to live unless I'm contorting it and/or making silly faces. The journey I've been on the past 8 or 9 months is my own because I think I'm ready to explore. I am ready to face what I have become and why I insisted on becoming her. I am ready to face pain and move past it. I have grown and learned a lot about myself in this time. I've tried things and done things and talked about things I thought I couldn't or never would have before. I've just realized how often I have used the pronoun "I" or some from of it in this entry. Repetitious and yet astounding all at once. This is about me and how I am learning to be the best version of me possible. "I" seems to be the theme and I should honor that. "I"ronically "I"conic or "I"conically "I"ronic, I am on my way.

In 2012 I vow to keep ignoring all those who want to impose labels on innocent folks.

As I'd imagine you know if you've had any kind of conversation with me at all, I have no use for labels. The only place I want to see a label is on my soup cans because who the Hell wants a surprise when it comes to soup? Other than that, I don't need them. This all came to mind after a night out to celebrate a good friend's 30th birthday. We had been invited to surprise her at a local bar downtown. Of course I wanted to be part of this celebration. She walked in drunk, glowing, beautiful and escorted by her very handsome boyfriend. She was excited to see friends and family hutled together waiting for her. The night went on and fun ensued and then some began to leave. Her brother and his wife walked over to where the birthday girl stood talking and laughing beside me. He wanted to say goodnight and wish her a happy birthday. At some point in their conversation he turned to me sheepishly and said something. It was the beginning of an ignorant exchange. He looked at me, back at her and at me again and spoke. "I wanted to ask you something but don't want you to be offended." I looked at him and assured him I was unoffendable and his sister echoed me. He continued with "Are you gay... Don't be offended..." I knew it was coming but still it astounds me that people care so much whether or not a person is gay or not. Furthermore, why the Hell would I be offended? I don't consider being gay offensive. No one ever asks a woman if she likes a dangus or a man if he loves poontang but if a person suspects that someone is homosexual they simply have to satisfy their curiosity.

But... I digress. Let me get back on track if I may. So, my drunk friend spurt out that I go both ways and I just didn't care enough about the opinion of a small minded stranger to dignify the question with an actual answer of my own. I in fact wanted to ask him not to be offended when I told him I thought he was a Neanderthal asshole but I held my tongue and instead bitch slapped him in my imagination. I am a bit of a sexuality conundrum admittedly but I still don't see why any of that is anyone else's business. When I told another close friend who knows me possibly better and deeper than most, he simply commented with, "Funny because you go both ways while going no way at all."

I do in fact study beauty and sexuality as I've said before more in a scientific or artistic manner and most people can't wrap their heads around that fact. I often times wonder why myself. I am content and happy to explore fom where I stand, though. I live up to the expectations of those around me and shock people by what I say and do and the reaction I get is like air to my lungs. I don't think I have to be super girly unless I want to. I wear what I want be it something that makes idiots think I'm on the prowl for a female lover, or something very feminine and pay no mind to what opinion strangers may have of me floating through their simple minds. I don't identify with any orientation and live blissfully in an androgynous state.

Yesterday was New Year's Eve and I attended a gathering at a friend's house. There were people I've known for years and some I met that very night. It was a great group of people and I enjoyed myself very much. We laughed, ate, drank, shared anicdotal stories and had a very nice night. Some of us dressed up and I looked a bit like a drag queen out on her maiden voyage. I had FUN!

My goal for 2012 is to continue exploring and loving the journey of life. I don't have any use for labels and try to just be happy and express that happiness. Those who want to impose insecurity on me be damned. I'm my own worst critic and trust me when I say, I dont need anyone else to compound that. So my advice is be happy in who and what you are. Ignore those who don't have your best interest at heart. Above all else, have fun and love yourself. The rest will fall into place. Have a very healthy, happy 2012 and for the love of Pete, don't be a judgemental prick. No one likes that.