My day was pretty great today. After the trip into Harvey to pick up a window to replace the lovely ply wood in the hole in my mother's house, I spent the rest of the day with my good friend shopping. He and I went to a gun store, Target, Panera Bread and Barnes & Noble to finish it off. Now that's a combo that describes me to a T. The gun store to satisfy the "hick" in me, Target to pick up a few seasons of The Office to satisfy the "Hollywood Diva", Panera because a gal's gotta eat and Barnes & Noble to pick up a book of photography called "Men Before 10 a.m" to make the artsy side of me giggly like a school girl. That book was nowhere to be found but I scored another coffee table photography book on one of my favorite Hollywood icons, Audrey Hepburn so it wasn't a total loss. The other book is on Amazon so I win even when I lose, it seems.
Now these events just serve as further proof that I am a bit of a puzzle; some would say a few pieces shy of a complete puzzle but what do they know? One of my friends recently described me as just the right combination of perfection and imperfection. I like that better... she knows her stuff. I think all these parts just make me more fun to watch. Who wants predictability unless you’re watching an episode of Full House? Some day I may be able to squish all these parts into something useful. I joke with my brother and one of my uncles (not Uncle X), about how successful we would be if we could find a way to document our family and the shenanigans that ensue without hurting feelings. The world would love to read a book called "My Big Fat White Trash Family", I just know it but not everyone in the family would come out laughing. Some people can't take a joke, you know how it is. I can poke fun at myself better than anyone but some don't like being the butt and I can understand that. Believe me when I say no one would be safe either so that’s a large linch mob and I don't like running for my life. The creative juices flow still and I can't help imagining who would play me in the movie version if I could pull it off without being disowned. I think maybe Debra Messing could be "Kimberly as an adult", what do you think?
If you knew my family at all you would understand completely. There are so many great personalities just begging to be shared with everyone. My brother, uncle and I all have a very similar sense of humor so if we were to collaborate the sky would be the limit. My mother and grandma are the opposite but luckily they get a kick out of the three of us just being us. Grandma would be a very strong character what with her backwoods way of thinking and the lack of the ability to hear what anyone is saying at normal volume. Yelling across the table at her and her misinterpreting every other word and just completely missing the rest. My mom also is made for something like this. Her brain has a direct route to her mouth, no yield or stop signs anywhere, and everything she thinks comes right out verbally no matter how inappropriate that thought may be. Every holiday is just another opportunity to collect material.
The three of us clowns have minds like steel traps too and they all know it. Too bad for them but great for us that they just can't help being hilarious without even trying. Then there's that uncle who does anything for a laugh and whenever I am around him thats all I do. He has had quite an awesome past that pleads to be made into a biography! He wants to call it "Bob and Me" and if you ever see that title and flip the book over and see a hillbilly on the back you buy that book and go use the bathroom so you don't soil yourself when you settle down to read it. He was a kid who made Dennis the Menace look like an angel. My brother had his wonderful ideas when he was a little guy and brought them to fruition if at all possible and often times mortified our parents. I think sometimes they were secretly impressed with what a kid could pull off with a yard full of junk and a few tools and a brilliant scheme. He also has another useful gift. That kid can talk you into anything and often times got myself and our step-siblings to help him out if we were needed. We did have junk everywhere. The neighborhood kids wanted to play man hunt in what they affectionately called "Dave's used parts" almost every night in the summer. My dad has an impressive pile of what most people see as rusty crap but he looks out and sees beautiful equipment he can't wait to restore. I hope all his dreams come true too or us kids will have a fortune to pay to scrap all that when he is turning wrenches and digging ditches up in Heaven.
So remember if you ever find yourself in the company of even one of us, don't slip up. We will store that away and pass that story around at the Christmas dinner table and all get a big chuckle at your expense. You never know... you may even find yourself a character in a book written by 3 idiots from the sticks in Rhode Island. It would all be in good fun so don't be offended... we still love you but the opportunity is just too good to pass up. That's just how it goes in show business, you use what you got... and we certainly do.
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