OMG at The O.G!

AS IN OLIVE GARDEN! But that's not where this should begin so be patient, folks! I'm going to start at the beginning because... as Julie Andrews once sang in the classic The Sound of Music, "... That's a very good place to start". And she was right! My day began when I awoke around 7 am and took the dogs out to... to put it politely, "make", as they say. I had an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed and harass my friend /hairdresser at 10 am so I shlumped around for a few hours like the college student I never was. By the way, I LOVE getting waxed! It feels so good that I often wonder if I would enjoy being waxed further but then I remember I am friends with my hairdresser and would like to keep it that way. To ask her to wax more of the fuzz off of me would be detrimental to our friendship. I'll just shave and/or keep it covered like always. The extent of my body hair will stay my little secret. Incidentally, we encountered someone else today with an overabundance of fluff which I will detail later on. Let's just say that when you are at Babies R' Us searching for crib blankets with a cute little Monkey pattern on them for an upcoming baby shower, you do not plan to catch a glimpse of someone bending over exposing more hair then you see on a chimpanzee at the zoo! Yikes!

But I digress...

So waxing went as planned, I headed to Walmart for a few essentials and texted my gal pal, Jennifer because I was jonesing for some shopping and I can always count on her to tell the truth as we well know, no matter how much it may hurt. I both love and hate that about her. Mostly love because if she didn't say it others would think it but talk about it when I left the room. She saves me from this particular form of embarrassment. She had plans to meet another friend of ours in Warwick and invited me to come along. How lovely. Two friends for the price of one!

We had to stop off at the Bridal Shop we got the dresses for her wedding at to drop off pictures from her beautiful day and I got jostled into doing a Bridal runway show along side Jen next weekend at the MGM at Foxwoods. Goody (insert sarcastic intonation here)! Oh well, a reason to wear to the dress again. Those things are pricey for a one day showing! It will be fun none the less because Jen is a kick and fun follows her wherever she may roam.

Now we were headed to meet our other friend at one of our favorite places, Target. We have some friends who are expecting so we were in baby mode and headed right for the onesies and other baby crap. The three of us are all childless and haven't much patience for the little ones in public to be frank. I adore my nieces and nephews but I don't have to haul them around and listen to them scream all day without ceasing. Some kids got pipes, man! They are loud and shrill and touch everything and are always in the dang way. The fact that Jen had to keep ahead of me and the cart rearranging the racks to make room to get through the isles made things tricky but with ankle biters on the loose all around us, it was a dangerous driving environment, really. I could have run over a few and barely noticed if they were small ones! We found a few cute things and moved on to Babies R' Us where the real fun began!

We went in to the place where we shop for overpriced gifts for our friends in an effort to say, "I'm sorry you won't sleep, have any money or be able to even go to the bathroom in peace for at least 18 years to come". As if that's a good trade off. Anyway, we are dodging carts being manipulated by people who look to be the unhappiest folks on earth. Inside these wagons sitting comfortably are the short captains that drool all over and run every aspect of their lives. Seems bass ackwards to me but I'm not a parent so maybe I'm not supposed to get it. We printed up a registry 15 pages long and set out to find these treasures. We came across a beast in the bedding isle, the memory makes me shudder. We rounded the corner and Jen spotted it first but we weren't far behind! The horror on Jen's face said "don't look" but like a car crash or one of those plastic surgery shows you see on the discovery channel, you never listen to the disclaimer read to you before hand and you watch anyway all the while grimacing in horror at the sight before you. There it was. Grown man, hairy butt crack! Not that uncommon, yet painful to look upon. Our other friend tried to warn me with a large claw to my back but it was too late. The damage was done. We fled that scene in a hurry and somehow still had an appetite so we decided a nice late lunch would calm our nerves. We sped on down to Olive Garden or as we nick named it, The O.G. and despite the trauma we suffered when we narrowly escaped a few collisions in the very crowded parking lot, got in and settled down to wait for a table. They said 15 minutes but they lied as they often times do. We were glad they fibbed today because we got to see a celebrity right there in Warwick O.G. Jen was standing holding the buzzer trying to will it to light up and vibrate before we passed out from starvation when all of sudden a large party exiting began filing out. We all looked up just in time to see James Woods leading the herd towards the door. Jen's eyes nearly bulged clean out of her head and she yelled out "OH MY GOD!" Cheri and I were sitting in disbelief beside her as he turned and looked right at me with a smile and said a very polite "Hello". My response was a very cool "Hi" followed with a few nods as if I had known him for years and was in fact planning to meet up with him later on this very night! I have no idea how I pulled that off but my friends looked at me a little sideways and we all simultaneously turned bright red in the face and began giggling like 13 year olds who just saw a star from that Twilight mess I refuse to get mixed up in. We were a little star struck because we just saw and talked to someone that was featured on Family Guy and how cool is that!! We are also fans of his work of course, but come on. Family Guy mentioned James Woods because he is after all a Rhode Islander and it turns out he likes cheap fast fake Italian food from the Olive Garden just like we do! Wicked awesome!

That wasn't all we were shocked by at The O.G today, though! Oh no. We were also very surprised that the cook time on a bowl of ordinary salad is at least 15 minutes and there was a very large chested women with cleavage spilling all over the restaurant attempting to kill whatever was left of our appetites from our hairy ass crack encounter from before. I'm afraid this recession is affecting peoples abilities to afford mirrors in their homes thereby forcing them to go out in public in an unsatisfactory state! Congress should really get on passing some mirror welfare programs and leave our health care system alone because I think less people will get sick if we solve the mirror crisis of 2010. I know I feel queasy way too often from people stuffing themselves into clothes they seemingly took accidentally from the closet of their children and wandering out into the streets putting us all in harms way from lack of funds for mirrors. I vote "YES" to mirrors and clothes that fit! Vote for Kim!

So that was my super fun day with 2 of my friends exploring and observing the wildlife in Warwick, Rhode Island. Look out! It's a jungle out there. The breasts... I mean beasts are on the prowl.