Let's play "The Screwly Wed Game!" We put the "FUN" in dys"FUN"ctional!

I attended a lovely fundraiser dinner last night where they played a little game that tested a husbands knowledge of his wife's favorite color and other little details similar to the popular game show from the 70's, The Newly Wed Game. We all had fun watching these 5 poor suckers sweat when asked what food their wife liked best and the locations they chose to propose. I especially had fun when my father was one of these unfortunate men. Then I was surprised at the knowledge he had about my step mother when I have personally witnessed on many occasions the two of them carrying on two entirely different conversations, to each other mind you, as if they were talking about the same subjects. I guess being that my father works alone all day and my step mom sleeps during the day because she works 3rd shift, they just need to talk even if there isn't anyone on the other line.

Now this kind of game is particularly funny for my family for many reasons and I will detail some of those right now. One of the questions was "Where did you meet?" Now I had to laugh because I know the "who, what, when, why and where's" of this quandary and they are funnier then time allowed for last night. My parents divorced when I was 9 and from that time until my step mother came on the scene we ate in two local restaurants every weekend when visiting dad given his limited culinary skills. It was grilled cheese and tomato soup or grilled cheese and pea soup if we are depending on dad to be chef for the evening. So we went to the Brick Oven on Saturday and Pizza Hut on Sunday, typically. My step mom happened to be a waitress on Sunday nights at Pizza Hut so thus began this fractured fairy tale. They met when she served up a slice of piping hot Pan pizza to my dad, my brother and me but my brother is really responsible for the match- making. She went to the table next to us to clean and wipe it and my brother took notice. He complimented her fine technique and then went on to explain to her that we needed someone to help dad clean because he had to take eggs that stunk up the refrigerator and burry them in his sandbox to dispose of them because dad wasn't much of a housekeeper. This made her chuckle and quite frankly take pity on us. We talked to her every week we went and finally dad asked her to a concert for their first date. So a romance began and we were all along for the wild ride.

By "all" I mean us kids. She had 3. Two daughters, one older then myself and one younger, and a son who was her youngest. My dad had myself and my brother who was 4 years younger then me. A while down the line they found out they had another on the way and we had to form a sort of Brady Bunch. In the summer of 1992 Little Hayley made her way into our brood. They stuffed 5 kids in a small bedroom for a while and we all made it work somehow. That brings me to a few of the other questions. "Where and how did you propose?" and "What color were the brides maids dresses at your wedding?" When Hayley was over a year old, they decided to flee the circus and go to Vegas to marry. Shot gun wedding? I guess not when the gun went off and the smoke cleared over a year ago. So we all went to our other parent's houses and Hayley went to an aunts house while they went and made honest people out of one another without their herd of children. No brides maids dresses or anything. Maybe Elvis was in attendance, I don't know.

This couple isn't the strangest in my family though. My mom has managed to marry and divorce 3 men herself in her pursuit of happiness and marital bliss. She has learned, I think, that it's far better to be happy by herself then miserable with someone else. It's true, too. Her taste isn't great in men, sadly. Most of them ended up unemployed while she worked 2 jobs and they had similar, less then desirable physical characteristics. Some were fat, some hairy and some were missing teeth. A few embodied all 3 of these traits. I would stay single too if thats what I ended up with more then once. Yeesh!

She had quite the model to fashion her marriages after unfortunately. Her father has passed but grandpa was a bit grumpy sometimes, to say the least. Her mother is one those outspoken, loud chicks who is Hell bent on not being pushed around by any man so the two of them made quite a pair. She could never do or say or cook anything right and when he spoke up, she would too but LOUDER! Family meals often ended up with all of sitting quiet after the exchange that took place between them. She would sit at one end of the table and he at the other trapping the rest of in the line of fire. Grandpa would say something like "I can't eat this shit" to which she would lovingly reply "Then don't eat it and die, you Sonovabitch!" Sometimes he would take a bite and mumble just loud enough for her to hear, "Ugh! This shit's cold" with a scowl on his face and without skipping a beat or even looking up she would fireback with "Shut up and eat it" or "Then nuke it, you Bastid" and he would turn and say to one of us "See how this classy bitch talks to me?" I think they were playing a game of "Who will out-live the other" and grandma won... at least I think she won. They both loved their kids and grandkids very much and I'm pretty sure they loved each other, too. They clearly had a little trouble with expressing it to one another.

We have a few more "different" relationships so keep reading. I have an Aunt/Cousin and an Uncle/Cousin too but it's not like it sounds so don't panic. It seems somehow fitting that they live Hope Valley, though. Jerry Springer wasn't called or anything but it's a funny story and here it goes. Where to begin... Ok, so sitting next to me at this dinner was this particular couple and when the "Where did you meet" question came up we all looked at each other and wished it was them up there playing this twisted newly wed. See, my dad's brother married my mom's niece so it's all very innocent. No blood relation but we get a good laugh at it when the opportunity arrises. Had they been asked to participate, her answer would have to go something like this: "I met my husband when my aunt and cousins came to visit our family. They brought with them the former brother-in-law of my aunt to go four-wheeling. We began a long distance relationship and then got married and started a family joining the 2 families again." I guess this makes the whole in-law stereotype null and void for them since we all stayed pretty close even after my parents split and the 2 families always got along for the most part. Pretty convenient when you think about it. Anyway, they are happy and just had a beautiful baby we call my cousin twice removed with 3 steps back... or something like that. The family tree takes a few twists and turns but even in all these circumstances it grows healthy and strong some how.

I guess every family is a little weird and we certainly are no exception. Every one in my family has some humorous little back story and they just keep adding pages to it, lucky for me and my blog. I tease my mom that there are too many crazies around for me to really part of this family and I insist that there was a mix-up at the hospital or I was adopted or something. One of my Uncles only furthered my suspicions when he told me as a young child that my mother purchased me with a coupon at Almac's Grocery Store. She laughs and reminds me of the old adage "the fruit never falls far from the tree" and you know what, she's right! I am just as nuts as the rest of them, maybe more... and I wouldn't want it any other way!